week20These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaMercury is in Libra. At least someone is getting laid.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYour recent bold behavior has gotten you noticed by a couple of people lately. They’re in that van across the street.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaStart a conversation with someone you disagree with this week, and you’ll find out what makes them tick. It’s usually a combination of liquor and rage.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIf there has ever been a time to throw your weight around, this is it. Cannonball!

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaBroadcast your goals. Your stupid, petty little goals.

 

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIn theory, it should not matter what other people think of you. So in theory, you should stop sobbing like a baby.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou might need to temper your passion this week with a veneer of etiquette and tact. Translation: condoms.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThere has never been a better time to reinvent yourself. Just try and make yourself less of an ass this time.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaMany people working together can create miracles. So, invite the whole crew over, and let’s get that toilet unclogged.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou are surrounded by people who want to lift you up. Really they want to do anything to get downwind of you.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaLately you’ve been feeling like you’re walking into a wall. So, maybe stop walking into that wall.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIt’s human nature to want what others have. Licking those things to claim them as your own, that’s not really human nature.

 

 

 

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Despite a disagreement with Noah over bathroom policies on the Ark, Tryptophan the all-knowing koala survived the flood by windsurfing with Utnapishtim for forty days and nights. In the 1800s, he hung out with Rasputin until the dude got weird. Currently, Trippy (as he prefers to be called) writes a weekly horoscope column for The Independent and offers freelance necromancy services at an affordable price. When he’s not raising the dead for low low rates, Trippy enjoys jazzercising and listening to the early work of Cat Stevens. (He’s also the creation of Darren M. Edwards and Jason Gottfried — who co-wrote horoscopes with Edwards through July 9, 2017 — but that’s entirely unimportant.)