weekly horoscope Trippy KoalaThese horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaHoly crap, the Moon squares Pluto, and there’s a Venus/Neptune trine, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got divorced! I’m just a koala, so I don’t really understand any of that … but still, holy crap.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaLook, you’re lonely because you’re aiming too high, directly at the tits. Aim lower, but not directly at the crotch, either. Unless you’re just trying to get laid, in which case definitely aim for the crotch.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThe more you open up to people, the more you’re going to get hurt, so just lie to everyone about everything. It works for me.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIf other people become loud and angry about a surprise announcement this week, just take your pants off. They’ll stop.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaEvery good thing must come to an end. Except for binge drinking. You can do that indefinitely. I think.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaDear Cancer, everyone just hates the shit out of you.




Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaSaying goodbye to one thing gives you the opportunity to say hello to something new! So don’t get too excited when you find a cure for your herpes this week, because — well, you’ll find out soon enough what those lesions are.


Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThere are a lot of emotions churning around in your heart this week, but they’re nothing compared to the churning that will be caused by an undercooked hamburger. You know they have cow shit in them, right?


Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaFocus on your feelings of anger and regret this week since those are basically the only ones you have anymore.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIntrospection can create a great deal of strength. Or it can just trigger another anxiety attack. Better watch TV.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIt will be tempting to let others take the reins this week, particularly when your dominatrix makes you dress up like a horse.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaIt’s been months since you started experimenting in polyamory. Hopefully you’ve realized by now that it’s a lot safer and much more logical to just bang lots of strangers.



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