Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Jesus is coming back this week. April Fools! He’s never coming back. Sorry, kid.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
You will develop an irrational hatred of Sir Francis Bacon after going vegan this week.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
You could spend much of your week advancing the interests of an organization dedicated to a cause that means a lot to you, like Antifa or the NRA.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
Inspired by the revival of “Roseanne,” you’ll gain 200 pounds and talk with an annoying squawk.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
You will have a tough time convincing the cops that your swastika tattoo is really just the Hindu symbol of prosperity.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
If you start to feel like you have no reason for being on this planet, just think of how many stray cats your corpse will feed. See? You really do matter.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
You tend to be service oriented by nature, but avoid touching people there unsolicited.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
After participating in a recent political march, you’ll realize this week that nine-year-olds really are qualified to dictate public policy.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Make sure you always look your best when going out this week. No one wants an unflattering mugshot.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
All signs indicate that romance is going to become a top priority, starting now. Except for those Amber Alert signs — they indicate that someone is on to you.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Someone you love deeply reciprocates your feelings. Someone you utterly loathe also deeply reciprocates your feelings. Which one you run into this week will make a big difference in your hospital bills.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
Joseph Smith is coming back this week. April Fools! Angry mobs of women, children, and black people would literally burn him at the stake if he ever showed his face on this planet again.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
