Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
When you are compared to a manatee this week, try to take it as a compliment. Maybe you’re just good at getting hit by outboard motors.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
Inspired by Rocky the Trailblazing Buffalo, or whatever it is, you will blaze a trail of your own and be the first Utahn to formally open a Title IX case against a ruminant.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
A family member could be feeling a little down, and you may be tempted to give a pep talk to get him or her going again. Don’t. Your family can’t stand you.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
Feeling sluggish this week, you will move like a snail, leaving a trail of slimy goo everywhere you go.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
After reading “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” and noting the overt racism, you’ll understand why a nearby national park was given the name it bears.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
Too much exposure to books, newspapers, and computers today could produce headaches — not due to eye strain but rather to your remarkably low IQ.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
A supposedly wise man once said that there’s nothing to fear but fear itself. I think he was eaten by wolves. Anyway, next time you see your mom, run for your life.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
You will be forcibly removed from a church service this week after dry humping a piano.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
At a tarot reading this week, you’ll discover that it’s pretty easy to bullshit someone when you distract them with colorful cards.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Make a careful record of the symbols in your dreams. They’re called the alphabet.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You’ll be far more contemplative this week than usual. Yet you’ll still eat your boogers in public. So apparently not contemplative enough.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You will begin to sink into despair this week until you realize that you aren’t even good at doing that.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
