Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
This Valentine’s Day will lead to some frustration when you are unable to find condoms small enough to stay on.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
This week, you’ll be high on life! The meth will help, too.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Your dog will receive an honorary doctorate from DSU this week, making him the most highly credentialed dog on the block.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
You’ll need to try to find a way to motivate yourself to get active this week. Maybe just slap a cop. You should immediately find plenty of motivation to get active.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Unlike dear Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, good decision-making will be a prominent asset for you this week. But you’re still a hamplanet, so you’d better get moving as well.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
Taking the easy way out won’t tempt you in the least this week. You’ll eat three large pizzas every day.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
Your tarot card of the week is The Star, your flavor of the week is Rocky Road, and your STD of the week is chlamydia.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
You will feel like no one understands you this week. If you would just stop mumbling, it wouldn’t be an issue.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Don’t let fear hold you back this week! Unless you’re considering suicide. In that case, consider letting fear hold you back, you worthless coward.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
If you keep a journal, burn it before the police arrive.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
When your roommates are in conflict, you may find yourself smack in the middle of the stew. Of course, they are arguing over whether or not it’s okay to leave stew lying around on the floor. You’ll prove that it’s not.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
Love is in the air this week! Love and radioactive isotopes. Start thinking about what kind of wig you’d look good in.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
