Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
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Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle

Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Aquarius

Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18

You will accidentally win the Battle of the Bands in Kanab after unleashing a heinous three-second belch.

 

Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Pisces

To celebrate Bald Eagle Month, you will have your entrails feasted upon by an enormous predatory bird.

 

Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19

Intellect joins with intuition this month to produce a debilitating cognitive dissonance that will lead to ulcers and eventually a nice, juicy tumor.

 

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Taurus

Write your ideas down! But stop using bodily fluids as ink or the cops will get rough with you.

 

Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Gemini

Energy, vivacity, and directness are three traits people usually count on seeing in you. Pomposity, borderline psychosis, and an overwhelming body odor is what they actually experience. Brush your teeth this month.

 

Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Cancer

Offer to help anyone who sits down next to you today. Unless it’s your cat. Do not offer to help bathe your cat.

 

Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Leo

You took your role as a class clown seriously, but that trait may not serve you as well in prison. Tone down the racist jokes and the pantsing before you end up with a sharpened toothbrush in the gullet.

 

Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Virgo

Life is good. But not so good that it should evolve in your refrigerator. Time to let the bagels go.

 

Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Libra

Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius this month. You know what that means! That’s right! Nothing.

 

Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Scorpio

You’ll be ready to have some serious fun with your valentine! I hope you’re not planning on pooping much this month.

 

 

Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Sagittarius

You’ll finally meet the man of your dreams this month. In a dream. Then you’ll wake up to the same desperate loneliness as always.

 

Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Capricorn

After years of fantasizing about it, you’ll finally inject chocolate frosting directly into your bloodstream. Tell your family that you love them this month.

 

Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit FrainkleJamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.

Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, ever, Jason Gottfried is editor of The Independent as well as a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He has previously been an album reviewer, opinion columnist, humor writer, staff writer, copy editor, and opinion editor of The Independent. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and cannot be accurately referred to using any currently existing pronouns.

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