Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will accidentally win the Battle of the Bands in Kanab after unleashing a heinous three-second belch.
To celebrate Bald Eagle Month, you will have your entrails feasted upon by an enormous predatory bird.
Intellect joins with intuition this month to produce a debilitating cognitive dissonance that will lead to ulcers and eventually a nice, juicy tumor.
Write your ideas down! But stop using bodily fluids as ink or the cops will get rough with you.
Energy, vivacity, and directness are three traits people usually count on seeing in you. Pomposity, borderline psychosis, and an overwhelming body odor is what they actually experience. Brush your teeth this month.
Offer to help anyone who sits down next to you today. Unless it’s your cat. Do not offer to help bathe your cat.
You took your role as a class clown seriously, but that trait may not serve you as well in prison. Tone down the racist jokes and the pantsing before you end up with a sharpened toothbrush in the gullet.
Life is good. But not so good that it should evolve in your refrigerator. Time to let the bagels go.
Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius this month. You know what that means! That’s right! Nothing.
You’ll be ready to have some serious fun with your valentine! I hope you’re not planning on pooping much this month.
You’ll finally meet the man of your dreams this month. In a dream. Then you’ll wake up to the same desperate loneliness as always.
After years of fantasizing about it, you’ll finally inject chocolate frosting directly into your bloodstream. Tell your family that you love them this month.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.