Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will pee your pants when someone points out that a fact isn’t what you thought it was.
Follow your heart. I know it’s a cliché, but I truly mean it. If someone carves it out of your chest, you should chase them down and put that sucker on ice.
Unusual dreams may come to you this week, but don’t let them bother you. Ice cream can’t really grow hair.
You will reconnect with an old pet on social media this week. I know, Facebook is getting weird.
Re-evaluate your priorities this week. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you can make mead with the latter and a nice balsamic reduction with the former.
You will lose a big spelling bee this week when you misspell “butthole.”
This is the week to stop saying that things are “Greek” to you. It’s clear that you can barely manage English; you obviously wouldn’t know Greek if it bit you on the glans.
Your natural practicality will lead you to discovering that you can simply Gorilla Tape your pants to your midsection, thereby rendering unnecessary the hassles of wearing a belt or suspenders.
Use your expanded mental and emotional capabilities to discern how many donuts you can eat without suffering a heart attack.
Change is in the air. It might be diapers or coins — hard to tell.
You’re so fond of chatter that it shouldn’t take much to get involved with almost anyone. And you’re so fond of cheddar that you will undergo a major coronary event this month.
You will pee your pants when someone points out that your religion was made up by an adulterous pedophiliac con man.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
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