Your Weekly Horoscope
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
This week, you will be abducted by extraterrestrials, which won’t be so bad when you find about Alien Jesus.
You will break your first New Year’s resolution this week, rationalizing to yourself that stuffed animals are incapable of being raped.
Be sure to go the extra mile this week. The police will not give up the chase easily.
This will be an excellent week to spend in quiet reflection, which will prepare you for next week. Try not to think about next week.
Focus yourself on balance this week. You must learn how to pace yourself and balance your life in such a way that there is ample time for work, play, meditation, and feeding body parts into the wood chipper.
This week may find you longing for some spots of color in your life. Fortunately, you are about to discover that you have melanoma.
You don’t have to spend a lot of money to brighten your home and lift your spirits. Get some sparklers and some crystal meth and you’ll be good to go.
Money concerns will bring you to your knees this week. Wink, wink.
This week, either a rich old relative will die and leave you with some unexpected cash … or your old relative Rich will die and leave you with some unexpected cats. I can’t tell which it is, I sneezed in the entrails I was reading.
All the planetary energies indicate that you and your partner are operating on precisely the same wavelength, which I guess means you’re both basically asexual now. Congrats?
There is absolutely nothing holding you back this week, except for having sat naked on an open tube of super glue last week. That’ll hold you back to some extent. Other than that, the world is your oyster.
This week, you will finally begin learning how to read, which will enable you to be offended by everything around you — just like everyone else!
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire. Not that it really matters either way.