Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle
Image: Lee Coursey / CC BY 2.0

Your Weekly Horoscope

Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Aquarius

Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18

This week, you will be abducted by extraterrestrials, which won’t be so bad when you find about Alien Jesus.


Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Pisces

You will break your first New Year’s resolution this week, rationalizing to yourself that stuffed animals are incapable of being raped.



Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19

Be sure to go the extra mile this week. The police will not give up the chase easily.


Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Taurus

This will be an excellent week to spend in quiet reflection, which will prepare you for next week. Try not to think about next week.



Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Gemini

Focus yourself on balance this week. You must learn how to pace yourself and balance your life in such a way that there is ample time for work, play, meditation, and feeding body parts into the wood chipper.


Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Cancer

This week may find you longing for some spots of color in your life. Fortunately, you are about to discover that you have melanoma.


Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Leo

You don’t have to spend a lot of money to brighten your home and lift your spirits. Get some sparklers and some crystal meth and you’ll be good to go.


Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Virgo

Money concerns will bring you to your knees this week. Wink, wink.



Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Libra

This week, either a rich old relative will die and leave you with some unexpected cash … or your old relative Rich will die and leave you with some unexpected cats. I can’t tell which it is, I sneezed in the entrails I was reading.


Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Scorpio

All the planetary energies indicate that you and your partner are operating on precisely the same wavelength, which I guess means you’re both basically asexual now. Congrats?


Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Sagittarius

There is absolutely nothing holding you back this week, except for having sat naked on an open tube of super glue last week. That’ll hold you back to some extent. Other than that, the world is your oyster.


Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit Frainkle Capricorn

This week, you will finally begin learning how to read, which will enable you to be offended by everything around you — just like everyone else!


Your Weekly Horoscope Jamnit FrainkleJamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.

Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire. Not that it really matters either way.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, ever, Jason Gottfried is editor of The Independent as well as a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He has previously been an album reviewer, opinion columnist, humor writer, staff writer, copy editor, assistant editor, and opinion editor of The Independent. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter, and his pronouns can only be expressed in Reformed Egyptian.