Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Aquarius
You’ll finally know what it means to be “high on life” after crushing up and snorting some Life cereal. It feels awful.
Pisces
You will try your hand at making porn this week. Pure hilarity!
Aries
You’ll invite the inlaws over for dinner and murder them all … with your jokes! Then you’ll stab them all to death.
Taurus
Primed for next-level idiocy by a lifetime of brainwashing, you’ll try Scientology this week. Decades of being conditioned to cognitive dissonance will make it a smooth transition and a natural fit for you.
Gemini
You’ll start a massive property-obliterating wildfire this week, which won’t really matter much to you since you’ll literally be a god in a matter of mere decades.
Cancer
You will enter the southern Utah dating pool this week. You will immediately jump out of that pool just as you would jump out of a sewage-ridden pond. Because seriously, yikes.
Leo
The stars are unclear. This week, you will either start using crystal meth or binge-watch multiple seasons of “Breaking Bad” … but the end effect on your psyche will be the same either way.
Virgo
You’ll learn how ninjas kill their emotions this week. Basically, they get involved with women who cheat, lie, manipulate, and take their children away from them and leave the empty husk of the man they once were on the side of the road of life. So how cool are ninjas now, huh?
Libra
This week, you will learn that Flying Lotus and FLOTUS are not the same person. Like, not even close.
Scorpio
You will realize this week that the ban on polygamy doesn’t explicitly apply to barnyard animals. This will eventually lead to the historic first filming of a squirting orgasm by a goat.
Sagittarius
During some shouting and explosions at a local “Star Wars” marathon party this week, you will glean that General Akbar’s first name is apparently “Allahu.”
Capricorn
You’ll finally know what it means to be “high on cocaine” after eating a bowl of cocaine for breakfast. It’s vegan, so it must be good for you … right?
This week’s horoscopes written by Jason Gottfried.
