Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
You will crack a molar while masturbating this week. But at least you know you’re doing it right.
You will be saddened to learn this week that Lyle Jeffs is unjustly imprisoned in South Dakota, especially since all he did was what God told him to do through his infallible prophet, Joseph Smith. I mean, the guy was obviously spot on with chicks, black people, and American history … how could he have possibly been wrong about anything else?
Disappointed by douchebag.com, you will start visiting huffingtonpost.com more frequently. Now _that’s_ some juvenile nonsense you can sink your teeth into.
You should decide this week to stop shouting “Jesus Christ!” every time you’re upset. He’s not listening, and even if he were, he really doesn’t care.
Your chili farts will cause the evacuation of an entire Wal-Mart this week.