Your Weekly Horoscope Trippy Koala
Image: Lwilson262 / CC BY-SA 4.0, composited by Jason Gottfried

Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

Your betrothed will call you an ageist bigot this week when you profess a dislike of Old Spice. Remember, it’s not too late to call this whole thing off.

Pisces

You will face bestiality charges this week when police arrest you for copulating with a giant slug. You will be cleared of these charges when it is determined that it was not a slug — nor a sickly beluga whale — but your sister you were so feverishly slagging, and you will instead be charged with incest. Hey, at least now you’ll have something in common to talk about with the neighbors.

Aries

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas … except for gonorrhea. That comes home with you. So does chlamydia. And butt rot. And feline AIDS. Maybe just don’t go to Vegas this week.

Taurus

This week, you will begin shouting “Praise KEK!” to a large, iconic picture of a frog — whom you falsely believe to be Pepe the Frog — every time you enter a local health food store. If it seems like the staff is avoiding you, that’s just because they are.

Gemini

You will be audited by the IRS this week, which will be quite a thrill for you since it’s the first time in years that anyone has paid any attention to you at all.

Cancer

You’ll finally make the Trump/Russia connection this week when you realize that there is a “R” and a “U” in both “Trump” and “Russia” — which is impressive considering that you can’t spell. You will notify CNN of this revelation, and they will actually take you seriously.

Leo

This week you will invent a new sport called “Super Duper Douche Ball.” It’s kinda like dodge ball but not.

Virgo

After purchasing a star from the Star Registry, you’ll be surprised this week when a fleet of tiny spaceships show up at your house to contest the purchase.

Libra

Okay, I get it. “Rick and Morty” is an awesome show, and you look pretty sexy in a lab coat, but a constant trail of spit hanging out the mouth isn’t a good look for anyone.

Scorpio

Frustrated with the dating scene in St. George, you will loosen your usual standards in hopes of widening the dating pool. However, you might need to loosen them a bit more … like, farm animals more.

Sagittarius

There is a reason the grass is always greener on the other side. Your neighbor has been sneaking over to pee on you lawn.

Capricorn

Thanks to years of not brushing your teeth, you’ll soon meet a fun new group of denture fetishists.

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