These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Manifesting Him or Herself, or maybe Themselves, to you in visions of splendor and glory, the Almighty God (the y’all-need-to-love-each-other one, not the blow-yourself-up-and-you’ll-finally-get-laid one) will reveal to you this week that the second coming of Christ is at hand. Actually, it was about 50 years ago. It’s Sam Harris. You will be unsure of what to do with this information.
Your discovery this week that vaccines contain glyphosate and that the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program has paid out over $142 million dollars so far this year will give you a few new ideas for things on which to blame your general incompetence.
You often feel like you are a disappointment to your parents. It’s okay. Just because you never finish anything you start, ruin social occasions with your bad jokes, and refuse to adhere to modern hygiene standards doesn’t mean you’re a disappointment … wait, wait, yes it does.
This week, you will start a ride sharing company where customers sit on the handlebars of bicycles. In a moment of brilliance, you will name this company “Handlebar Rides.” It will not attract the clientele you had imagined.