Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
You will finally locate your penis this week.
Manifesting Him or Herself, or maybe Themselves, to you in visions of splendor and glory, the Almighty God (the y’all-need-to-love-each-other one, not the blow-yourself-up-and-you’ll-finally-get-laid one) will reveal to you this week that the second coming of Christ is at hand. Actually, it was about 50 years ago. It’s Sam Harris. You will be unsure of what to do with this information.
Your discovery this week that vaccines contain glyphosate and that the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program has paid out over $142 million dollars so far this year will give you a few new ideas for things on which to blame your general incompetence.
Your aspirations of being America’s first gay president will be shattered this week when you realize that we just had one for eight solid years.
Upon learning this week that Roger Ailes and Chris Cornell both died last Thursday, you will speculate that they were in fact the same person! God, Geminis are so stupid.
There is a good chance you’ll get in a fender bender this week, so now would be a good time to stop picking your nose while you drive.
Lately you’ve been feeling an urge to reconnect with nature. Heads up, nature has already moved on and is happily dating someone named Pat.
You often feel like you are a disappointment to your parents. It’s okay. Just because you never finish anything you start, ruin social occasions with your bad jokes, and refuse to adhere to modern hygiene standards doesn’t mean you’re a disappointment … wait, wait, yes it does.
You will save the world when you post a political meme to Facebook this week.
Remember, there will always be someone better, stronger, and smarter than you. Like, even waiting in line at Walmart at 2 a.m.
This week, you will start a ride sharing company where customers sit on the handlebars of bicycles. In a moment of brilliance, you will name this company “Handlebar Rides.” It will not attract the clientele you had imagined.
You will finally locate your penis this week. (Yes ladies, I’m talking to you this time.)
