Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy KoalaYour Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will finally locate your penis this week.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaManifesting Him or Herself, or maybe Themselves, to you in visions of splendor and glory, the Almighty God (the y’all-need-to-love-each-other one, not the blow-yourself-up-and-you’ll-finally-get-laid one) will reveal to you this week that the second coming of Christ is at hand. Actually, it was about 50 years ago. It’s Sam Harris. You will be unsure of what to do with this information.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYour discovery this week that vaccines contain glyphosate and that the Vaccine Injury Compensation Program has paid out over $142 million dollars so far this year will give you a few new ideas for things on which to blame your general incompetence.

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYour aspirations of being America’s first gay president will be shattered this week when you realize that we just had one for eight solid years.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaUpon learning this week that Roger Ailes and Chris Cornell both died last Thursday, you will speculate that they were in fact the same person! God, Geminis are so stupid.

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThere is a good chance you’ll get in a fender bender this week, so now would be a good time to stop picking your nose while you drive.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaLately you’ve been feeling an urge to reconnect with nature. Heads up, nature has already moved on and is happily dating someone named Pat.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou often feel like you are a disappointment to your parents. It’s okay. Just because you never finish anything you start, ruin social occasions with your bad jokes, and refuse to adhere to modern hygiene standards doesn’t mean you’re a disappointment … wait, wait, yes it does.

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will save the world when you post a political meme to Facebook this week.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaRemember, there will always be someone better, stronger, and smarter than you. Like, even waiting in line at Walmart at 2 a.m.

 

 

 

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThis week, you will start a ride sharing company where customers sit on the handlebars of bicycles. In a moment of brilliance, you will name this company “Handlebar Rides.” It will not attract the clientele you had imagined.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will finally locate your penis this week. (Yes ladies, I’m talking to you this time.)

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