These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
After completely losing your shit when autocorrect interferes with an SMS conversation — causing you to appear to reply, “That would be ducking great” — you will spend your weekend putting swear words, which comprise a solid 20 percent of your vocabulary, into your phone’s database.
Now that Congress has destroyed the last shreds of Internet privacy, an escalated fear of watching online pornography as well as escalating withdrawal symptoms will lead many to new and creative ways of satisfying the urge to watch others copulate this week. For some reason, your version of this will involve Play-Doh. This will be workable for you until one of two things happens, so be sure to demolish your Play-Doh sex puppets when you are finished so that your kids don’t find Play-Doh Ron Jeremy feng shui-ing some Play-Doh vixen’s abdominal organs, and for the love of Odin don’t attempt to create a Play-Doh sex toy. It just won’t work … trust me.
As Easter approaches, the time has come to have that awkward talk with your kids about how rabbits don’t actually lay eggs. Leading with this will lessen the blow of the awkward talk about how people don’t come back to life after they’ve been brutally tortured to death.
Dear Virgo, time is not your enemy this week. Well, actually it can’t ever be your enemy as it is an incorporeal concept. However, the hideous pink butterfly clock on your wall is your enemy. It is all of ours’ enemy.
Sagittarius, the following sentence is every bit as profound and meaningful to your life as every other horoscope ever. ‘Goat cheese is also a slang term for the hard white, smelly mucus that can sometimes get stuck in your sinuses.’