These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaBecause you are susceptible to suggestion, you will go gluten-free this week, knowing deep down that it will have literally no positive impact on your health.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThis week is just gonna suck, Pisces. I mean, the stars are just a heaping pile of shit for you right now.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou are so unbelievably vain that later this week you will hear Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” and literally wonder whether the song is about you.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaApparently heroin is a big thing in Utah these days. See? Utah does have _some_ culture.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaTurnabout is fair play this week when you begin spying on your microwave.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will suffer a massive brain hemorrhage after watching CNN, NBC, and CBS while listening to the BBC and reading the Washington Post at the same time, making you the first — but not the last — to literally die of a fake-news-induced aneurysm.


Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will be shocked this week when you realize that you shouldn’t take advice on what is real from a talking koala.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaThis week, a friend will talk about letting children eat dirt to build their immune systems. Resist the urge to try this yourself. You are not a child, you just have the bladder control of one.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaAs the weather continues to improve, your seasonal depression will wave goodbye this week. Of course, your regular depression will be there to greet you with a knee to the gut.



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaTry taking up a new hobby this week…maybe alcoholism.




Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaFaith is the power of the Divine. The Divine is a d-list wrestler in Montana, and “faith” is her signature move where she pokes her opponent in the eye. Isn’t studying religion fun!



Your weekly Horoscope Trippy KoalaYou will spend much of this week alone. This will make you question whether or not people find you annoying…They do. Look, I just solved your biggest question for this week. You’re welcome.



Other Weekly Horoscopes from Trippy Koala

Your Weekly Horoscope

Your Weekly Horoscope

Your Weekly Horoscope

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Despite a disagreement with Noah over bathroom policies on the Ark, Tryptophan the all-knowing koala survived the flood by windsurfing with Utnapishtim for forty days and nights. In the 1800s, he hung out with Rasputin until the dude got weird. Currently, Trippy (as he prefers to be called) writes a weekly horoscope column for The Independent and offers freelance necromancy services at an affordable price. When he’s not raising the dead for low low rates, Trippy enjoys jazzercising and listening to the early work of Cat Stevens. (He’s also the creation of Darren M. Edwards and Jason Gottfried — who co-wrote horoscopes with Edwards through July 9, 2017 — but that’s entirely unimportant.)