These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
It’s been eight years since you’ve seen your genitals. You aren’t going to be any less of a pig this holiday season, so you may as well send them a postcard. It’s not like there’s much to see, anyway.
I’m sorry, Taurus. I don’t have a horoscope for you this week. You’re so unimportant that an omniscient koala can’t even be bothered to make up a horoscope about you — I mean, consult the stars on your behalf.
November is the month to reflect on all the things you’re grateful for like family and friends. Since all of yours suck, maybe be grateful for the time you have until you have to pretend like you like them all at Christmas.
You’ve been asking yourself a lot of hard questions lately. It’s okay to answer them honestly. I mean, it’s not like you can unfriend yourself on social media like everyone else would if they knew the truth about you, you funny little freak.