These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Good news, Aquarius! You are a rare kind of idiot whose blissful ignorance is only matched by the rare ability to maintain a constant state of cognitive dissonance. You are surrounded by an asinine herd of witlessly like-minded people who reinforce your delusional perspectives. As such, you can look forward to a pleasant — albeit meaningless — life.
Turns out that Nietzsche’s right. God is dead. Cthulhu, however, is not only alive but thirsts for your blood — yours specifically. Run for your life.
Persistent radiation from the Yucca Flats disaster has made southern Utah a great place to get cancer. I hate to be the bearer of bad news … so I’ll just let you fill in the blanks from here. (Oh, and the McDonald’s sure ain’t helping.)
As the weather warms up, your neighbors will begin to leave their windows open at night once more. Since you are too afraid to watch porn online now for fear that your ISP will sell you out, this is great news because you’ll be able to listen to them banging again.
A distant relative may visit asking for financial assistance. Like, really distant. Like, maybe another species. Like, maybe a marsupial. Anyway, just remember that it’s always better to give than to receive. Like, the more, the better.
Turns out that Nietzsche was wrong. Peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches are a horrible idea. But your mom was right — your mostly benign but otherwise useless philosophy degree has definitely gone to your head, replacing common sense and independent thought with the rambling, nonsensical culinary ramblings of dead madmen.
Don’t fret, there is hope for you. I mean…not a lot of hope, but some.
You’ve been struggling with a difficult problem lately. It can feel overwhelming when life presents such cumbersome dilemmas, but you can handle it. It’s just a couple of feet away. You can stand up and go get the remote control. An adorable koala believes in you.
You are a leaf on the wind. Keep that in mind as you travel this week, just don’t ask why.
When an old friend announces they have good news, try not to take it too hard that their life has improved so dramatically as a result of blocking you on Facebook.
It’s the time of year when people step outside wearing whatever they can to try and beat the heat. Don’t judge them, you arrogant jerk.
When all else fails this week, remember the secret to happiness is chocolate and booze…mmmm chocolate flavored booze…
