These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
You will embark on a quest of knowledge this week when you are unable to grasp the concept of a “baby daddy.” It seems impossible to you that an infant could impregnate a woman. You’ll find the answer you seek one of two ways. But deciding between whether you type “what is a baby daddy” into a search engine or launch into an embarrassing drunken tirade about the biological paradox of infant fatherhood will be pivotal in regards to your prospective social life.
You will watch a YouTube video this week wherein the collective weapons-grade autism at 4chan unmasks an Antifa communist thug (or an anarchist thug — they can’t seem to decide upon an ideology) who turns out to be your long-lost sister, and your entire family will agree that she can just stay long lost.
This week, you will not be taken seriously by local law enforcement when you accuse some rapeseed of … you know, I can’t even finish this horoscope. Just how dumb are you, Aries? Sheep brains, that’s what you have.
The irony will be lost on you — poor, oblivious Gemini — when you call an insufficiently conservative friend of yours a “cuck” this week, unaware that this friend has been banging your spouse for years … and hasn’t even offered to let you watch. (I watched. It was so-so.)
Lately, you’ve felt a strange pain in you abdomen. Don’t worry. It’s not a kidney stone or an appendix issue. In fact, congratulations are in order. After some questionable late nights last month, you’re carrying the antichrist! Doesn’t matter that you’re a dude.
Have you ever gotten too close to a goose? They’re like God’s warning that all animals are really dicks just waiting for their time to take us out. Not sure how that affects your week. Just something to ponder.
If you’ve ever wondered what life would be like if you’d just made that one choice differently, I can answer that for you. It would have been amazing! Regret. That’s your horoscope for this week: deep, sorrowful regret. You’re welcome.
You will embark on a quest of knowledge this week when you are mystified to see multiple people wearing what appear to be white T-shirts underneath their clothing — like, even under just another T-shirt — in 90-degree weather. Your hypothesis is that they simply enjoy the discomfort of sweltering heat. But when the real reason why they do this is explained to you, it will actually make less sense to you than your hypothesis did.