Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy KoalaYour Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.


You will show up for the Joy & Eric concert at Vernon Worthen Park this week dressed up as a Chippy, mistakenly thinking it was going to be a Tim and Eric concert. Great job!


A personal revelation will come to you this week illuminating the source of your struggle with self-esteem. It’s simply the fact that you suck so, so bad.


You will greatly embarrass your family this week when you horribly misuse the phrase “in arrears.”


Your betrayal by a loved one this week will confirm that the safest approach to life is to never leave the house — or the tree, in case you happen to live in a tree.


You will learn to truly love yourself this week. Use discretion when truly loving yourself unless you want your family walking in on you in the middle of that.


In an attempt too seem hip, you will start wearing nothing but rompers. Sadly, this will just make you look even more like a giant infant.


Have you ever seen gooey duck? That’s what the stars are giving me for your horoscope this week … just “gooey duck.”


It appears you have a choice this week. You can either shit yourself while out to dinner or you can have your first experience with a butt plug.


People will repeatedly break your bubble of personal space this week. It might be a good opportunity to spend time finally learning to fart the Star Wars theme song.


Your significant other will appear to be suffering from some sort of gastric distress this week. Just give them space and clap a lot.


This week you will get into a fist fight with a mime after he refuses to open an invisible door for you.


This week, despite the constant negative press covfefe

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