These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week, you will join a radical fundamentalist sect of Jainism engaging in a global campaign to wage ahimsa upon the western world.
Ok … this is awkward. Jesus returned a while ago and — just for the hell of it — underwent a temple sealing (to Bjork of all people, which is kind of a surprise but not really if you know the guy). Anyway, he didn’t take kindly to the death threats, and he’s super pissed. Like moneychangers-in-the-temple pissed. So this would be the week to switch to Fruit of the Loom and lay off the Osephjay Ithsmay and Ighambray Oungay stuff for a while.
You and your spouse will begin seeing a dubious amateur taxidermist and marriage counselor named Jamnit Frainkle this week who will advise that you get a divorce and each start dating her. See, this is what happens when you go around telling people that your sex life isn’t exciting enough.
Your nightly dreams of snuggling with Jeff Sessions will not relent this week. I know, I know! He’s soooo cute! I just want to put him in my pouch and carry him around!
Your neighbors are going to start placing severed horse heads this in your bed if you don’t stop blaring “Baby Beluga” at 3 a.m. So if you’re actually into severed horse heads, I’d say keep up the good work.