Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy KoalaYour Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

This week, you will join a radical fundamentalist sect of Jainism engaging in a global campaign to wage ahimsa upon the western world.

Pisces

Ok … this is awkward. Jesus returned a while ago and — just for the hell of it — underwent a temple sealing (to Bjork of all people, which is kind of a surprise but not really if you know the guy). Anyway, he didn’t take kindly to the death threats, and he’s super pissed. Like moneychangers-in-the-temple pissed. So this would be the week to switch to Fruit of the Loom and lay off the Osephjay Ithsmay and Ighambray Oungay stuff for a while.

Aries

You and your spouse will begin seeing a dubious amateur taxidermist and marriage counselor named Jamnit Frainkle this week who will advise that you get a divorce and each start dating her. See, this is what happens when you go around telling people that your sex life isn’t exciting enough.

Taurus

Your nightly dreams of snuggling with Jeff Sessions will not relent this week. I know, I know! He’s soooo cute! I just want to put him in my pouch and carry him around!

Gemini

Your neighbors are going to start placing severed horse heads this in your bed if you don’t stop blaring “Baby Beluga” at 3 a.m. So if you’re actually into severed horse heads, I’d say keep up the good work.

Cancer

I know that your goal was to make morbid obesity cool again, but it’s just not happening. Quit while you’re ahead … or, well, you know … less far behind than you will be if you don’t stop marathon eating.

Leo

It’s a new week! Don’t waste it with your hand down your pants like last week. I mean, keep your hand down there, just don’t waste the week.

Virgo

You’ve been thinking about experimenting with some new foreign foods lately. That’s great! However, you may want to stock up on some Depends before you undertake this adventure.

Libra

A friend will shatter your paradigm on life when they point out that The Onion is not in fact real news. Your initial response will be to start watching Fox News … same problem, dude. Same problem. 

Scorpio

As a true hipster, you are too cool for everything. Even people. That’s why you don’t have any friends, and that’s just what I suggest you keep telling yourself.

Sagittarius

This Father’s Day, you’ll want to call your dad and say hi. Problem is, your dad isn’t who you’ve always thought. Time to start researching who the mailman was the year you were born.

Capricorn

You’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed lately. You’re wondering how you will ever make it through the coming week. Here is a tip. Stop giving a fuck.

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