These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week, you will decide that you want to name your newborn child after something Utah is known for. Ruling out less poetic options like “Bigotry” and “Groupthink,” you will settle on “Iodine-131.”
After months of bitching about how it’s too cold, this is the week when you start bitching about how it’s too hot.
You will begin working on your Kathy Griffin Halloween costume this week. Stop before it’s too late.
Inspired by former FBI director James Comey, you will begin meticulously documenting your conversations with everyone, which will reveal to you how much time you spend talking about boobs.
Candy tripping before seeing “Shrek” at Tuacahn this week will result in two trips, one to a kaleidoscopic alternate reality and another to a small room that your lawyer will bail you out of.