Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy KoalaYour Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

This week, you will decide that you want to name your newborn child after something Utah is known for. Ruling out less poetic options like “Bigotry” and “Groupthink,” you will settle on “Iodine-131.”

Pisces

After months of bitching about how it’s too cold, this is the week when you start bitching about how it’s too hot.

Aries

You will begin working on your Kathy Griffin Halloween costume this week. Stop before it’s too late.

Taurus

Inspired by former FBI director James Comey, you will begin meticulously documenting your conversations with everyone, which will reveal to you how much time you spend talking about boobs.

Gemini

Candy tripping before seeing “Shrek” at Tuacahn this week will result in two trips, one to a kaleidoscopic alternate reality and another to a small room that your lawyer will bail you out of.

Cancer

You will be faced with the choice of sticking to pure reason and succumbing to mass hysteria this week and — being a true patriot — will opt for the hysteria.

Leo

This week will present unique challenges when you find yourself drunk, naked, and stuck in a life-or-death game of Jenga … not sure how you get yourself in that mess, but I bet it was fun.

Virgo

You’ve always wanted to dedicate your life to a good cause. You will begin to realize that dream this week when you start the first ever Nickleback recovery program.

Libra

While filling out a profile for a dating site, you will question whether looking like Sumo wrestler qualifies as an “athletic” body type. To make you feel better about this, I’ll go ahead and answer it for you. Hell yes it does.

Scorpio

In your ongoing effort to be a social justice warrior, you will curse a stranger out this week when you hear them use the “R” word. The realization that the person has Tourette’s syndrome will just fuck up your whole paradigm.

Sagittarius

Ever the entrepreneur, you will soon start a company that offers to cure constipation by giving people near-death experiences. It’s not your worst idea ever. That is reserved for your tampon-replacement idea that works by gluing the labia shut.

Capricorn

The full moon will set the mood to be swept off your feet … by a pterodactyl … who will eat you … so, yeah, I guess I could have just said that dinosaurs are coming back and you’re going to die this week. Yep, that’s simpler.

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