Your Weekly Horoscope Trippy Koala
Image: Act Now 2017 / CC BY 3.0

Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

You will be beheaded by Anderson Cooper this week after giving a CNN app a one-star review.

Pisces

This week, you will be surprised to learn from an alleged “song” that Gwen Stefani apparently “ain’t no Allah back girl,” whatever that is. You’ll assume it has something to do with disliking sodomy, which will strike you as counter-intuitive.

Aries

You’ll learn this week that Martin Shkreli is widely regarded as the most hated person in America. So you’re momentarily off the hook.

Taurus

You will demonstrate the unquestionable, self-evident truth of interfaith unity under one ubiquitous divinity this week by attending an LDS church service with dynamite strapped to your torso.

Gemini

This week, you’ll just give up and quit fighting the constant shit show of incompetence and mediocrity that surrounds you at your workplace, adding several years to your overall lifespan.

Cancer

A friend will attempt to convince you that Islam is a religion of peace this week by throwing a gay relative of yours off a building in the name of Allah. For some reason, you will remain skeptical.

Leo

This week, you will melt into a little puddle of goo. Don’t look at me like that. You’re the idiot who thought it was a great idea to live in the desert.

Virgo

You will come face to face with Existential Dread this week. Be sure to ask him why his parents gave him such a dumb name, then remind him that he owes me $3.

Libra

The planets are aligning in strange ways. Insert Uranus joke here. Then laugh because I just used “insert” and “Uranus” in the same sentence.

Scorpio

Lately you’ve been having terrible nightmares about a carrot with really bad hair somehow destroying the world. Don’t worry, we’ve all been having them … well, maybe worry … okay, just accept that we’re all doomed.

Sagittarius

After trying to put a wildfire out by peeing on it, you will meet the person of your dreams at the emergency room. The bad news: the damage is permanent. The good news: burned genitalia just happens to be dreamboat’s kink.

Capricorn

Times are tough, you just have to be tougher … like pizza-that-has-been-left-out-for-a-week tough.

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Despite a disagreement with Noah over bathroom policies on the Ark, Tryptophan the all-knowing koala survived the flood by windsurfing with Utnapishtim for forty days and nights. In the 1800s, he hung out with Rasputin until the dude got weird. Currently, Trippy (as he prefers to be called) writes a weekly horoscope column for The Independent and offers freelance necromancy services at an affordable price. When he’s not raising the dead for low low rates, Trippy enjoys jazzercising and listening to the early work of Cat Stevens. (He’s also the creation of Darren M. Edwards and Jason Gottfried — who co-wrote horoscopes with Edwards through July 9, 2017 — but that’s entirely unimportant.)