Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Aquarius
You will be beheaded by Anderson Cooper this week after giving a CNN app a one-star review.
Pisces
This week, you will be surprised to learn from an alleged “song” that Gwen Stefani apparently “ain’t no Allah back girl,” whatever that is. You’ll assume it has something to do with disliking sodomy, which will strike you as counter-intuitive.
Aries
You’ll learn this week that Martin Shkreli is widely regarded as the most hated person in America. So you’re momentarily off the hook.
Taurus
You will demonstrate the unquestionable, self-evident truth of interfaith unity under one ubiquitous divinity this week by attending an LDS church service with dynamite strapped to your torso.
Gemini
This week, you’ll just give up and quit fighting the constant shit show of incompetence and mediocrity that surrounds you at your workplace, adding several years to your overall lifespan.
Cancer
A friend will attempt to convince you that Islam is a religion of peace this week by throwing a gay relative of yours off a building in the name of Allah. For some reason, you will remain skeptical.
Leo
This week, you will melt into a little puddle of goo. Don’t look at me like that. You’re the idiot who thought it was a great idea to live in the desert.
Virgo
You will come face to face with Existential Dread this week. Be sure to ask him why his parents gave him such a dumb name, then remind him that he owes me $3.
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
After trying to put a wildfire out by peeing on it, you will meet the person of your dreams at the emergency room. The bad news: the damage is permanent. The good news: burned genitalia just happens to be dreamboat’s kink.
Capricorn
Times are tough, you just have to be tougher … like pizza-that-has-been-left-out-for-a-week tough.
