Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
The authorities will not be amused when they are called to deal with you at Smith’s after your relentless demands that the management lets you speak with Joseph at once.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
You’ll go on a “seafood diet” this week: You’ll “see food,” and you’ll have a moderate portion followed by a brisk jog. Get it!?
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Dreams with mixed messages might trouble your sleep this week. Should you eat that doughnut or have sex with it? If you are gentle, you can do both.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
This week, you might try to continue or complete a creative project of some kind, but eating the glue stick will put a halt to your activities. Why it is grape flavored will remain a mystery.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
This week, you could make the acquaintance of actors, musicians, or other performers when you get yourself thrown into the drunk tank.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You’ll chop off all your fingers this week in an ill-conceived attempt at making fingerless gloves.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
After seeing “A Wrinkle in Time,” you’ll be excited about voting for Oprah Winfrey for president of the U.S., not because you think she’s qualified but because you believe she can tesser. Plus, free car!
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
The weather could keep you indoors this week. Or it could keep you outdoors. Long story short, when you lose your keys, try to find a way to blame it on the weather.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
The special person in your life could be working too hard. I’m referring to your blow-up doll as that special person. Hose it off from time to time.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
To much worry could spoil your week. Too much curry could also spoil your week. Wear adult diapers, just in case.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You will go on a blind date that will end atypically well, most likely because your date is blind.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
In an attempt to impress your family, you will build a birdhouse this week so hideous and deformed that it will scare off all manner of wildlife.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
