These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Love is in the air this week. Whoops, I mean influenza. Hey, the flu is actually cheaper and less stressful, so good for you.
Throw a Venus/Uranus aspect into the celestial mix and you could have an exciting week. I mean, think about it. Venus. Uranus. That spells “butt love.”
Wondering who your soul mate is? You don’t have one. Sucka!
Whatever it is you’re feeling this week, you have got to just let it out. But in the bathroom! Not just in the middle of a restaurant again.
Just as children need structure in their lives, so do you. And the county jail will provide plenty of structure for you this week.
This week, you will excitedly join a new religion, only to abandon it out of frustration and disbelief a few days later when you discover that those crucial golden plates don’t appear to even exist. Oh well, back to your Doreen Virtue cards.
Your creative side will take over this week, and you’ll find yourself wanting to dance a lot. The middle of the grocery store, a bar mitzvah, a funeral, you’ll turn them all into stages for your new passion, the solo mosh-pit.
A bearded old man in a pointy gray hat will invite you on an adventure this week. Just remember, pot isn’t legal in all 50 states yet.
Prepare yourself for a sudden windfall. I’m not talking about money. A large gust of wind will make you fall over this week, and everyone will stop and laugh at you, you clumsy bastard.
This week you’ll find yourself filled with unusual emotions like joy and excitement. Be careful not to let them influence you to do anything stupid…like talk to people.
Toward the end of the week, your neighbor will invite you to a funeral for their turtle Mister Nippers. You will also find that a new Halloween store has opened this week, and they have a great ninja turtle costume. I won’t spell the rest out, but I trust you can do the math.
In a crazy change up, you will kick butt at adulting this week. Congratulations, you’ve finally mastered the art of paying a phone bill and taking out the trash. Here’s a cookie.
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