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Your Weekly Horoscope

August 21, 2016

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

You will finally feel normal this week at your family reunion where your low IQ and poor hygiene will fit right in.

The Moon opposes Jupiter this week, resulting in an epic space battle! Just kidding. They’ll just keep floating around like they always do.

“Better late than never” is the name of the game this week, so just keep masturbating and make it happen.

Tragedy will have a silver lining this week when the sudden loss of your child’s dog will lead to the discovery that Shi-tzus taste exactly like chicken.

Fame will find you this week when a jogging accident filmed by a passerby becomes a viral video of you accidentally deep-throating a popsicle. And that’s why we sit down to eat, dummy.

You may think you’ve found love this week. But it isn’t the real thing. It’s just another robot. But you should totally bang it anyway.

This week will present you with many challenges. You know, besides your normal ones of not cursing at small children or backhanding the elderly.

When your struggles feel insurmountable this week, remember that we are made of stardust. I mean, that really has no bearing on the worth of your existence, but that kind of crap usually works to distract you from reality for a bit.

You are filled with a burning desire to help other. Follow through on that impulse. As for the “other” burning, I know it’s awkward, but you really should have the doctor check it out.

Things have been stressing you out lately. Try taking up golf and yoga to lighten your stress level. It’s a great combination. Plus, when your yoga instructor smiles at you and says “Let your spine reach to the sky and find your inner peace” while your back is erupting in discomfort from trying to hold the pose, your nine iron will come in handy.

This isn’t where you thought you’d be at this point in life. Try working out or taking a community education course to revitalize your path. Or watch some Romero and just be glad no one is trying to eat your brains.