These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week is all about simplicity. Divorce time!
When a sentimental Cancer Moon sextiles Mercury, you should totally sextile your roommate who will be gone in a month anyway.
You will feel particularly ashamed this week. It’s not astrology, you’re just a bad person.
You will send an omniscient koala a check for $10,000 this week. Or else.
New love will seem awkward at first this week. But give it some time and trust yourself, and you’ll be glad you finally switched hands.
You will try making breakfast naked this week, thinking it will be sexy. However, nothing you do naked could ever be sexy.
You’re week will start off on a strange note when a close friend calls for a trip to the emergency room because they got hot bacon grease on their not so private privates.
The stars saw what you did last week. They told me to say they’re very ashamed of you.
Try not to distrust those closest to you this week. I mean that metaphorically of course. The guy breathing down your neck in the elevator is actually stealing your wallet right now.
This week is going to be rather uncomfortable. Replacing all of your underwear with edible undies may not have been your brightest move ever.
A romantic relationship may have been on pause lately. Since you can’t marry a video game character, it’s time to move on. Your princess is in another castle.
You may find yourself emotionally paralyzed this week. If you don’t rethink your new “Tequila is food group” idea, you may also find yourself physically paralyzed this week.
RELATED ARTICLES
Your Weekly Horoscope
Your Weekly Horoscope
Your Weekly Horoscope
