These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week, it will dawn on you that astrology is bullshit. However, unable to manage your own life, you will continue to cling to it and just ride out the cognitive dissonance.
You are brimming with creativity this week, but remember to turn off your computer and remove your cell phone battery when it starts getting really weird.
You will die this week. Ugh, finally!
Mercury is coming into alignment with Jupiter in a way that sort of looks like boobs.
This week, you will learn to really love yourself: two vibrators at the same time!
When things get rough at work this week, you’ll turn to your home for sanctuary; unfortunately, your house will be invaded by flying monkeys, a green witch, and a really obnoxious chick from Kansas.
New friends are just around the corner, dear Leo, making your upcoming prison time much more bearable.
This week your energies are strong for conversations, so go ahead talk to everyone! Who cares if they’re introverts, and you’re sucking the life from them. This week is about you!
This week Mars will compliment Uranus. That’s it. That’s the joke, people.
Your mental energies are strong this week, but your digestive energies are weak this week. Keep a notepad by the pooper.
You will find yourself brimming with confidence this week. But that’s nothing new, you arrogant twat.
Capricorn, you’re on your own this week. I just caught a Charmander!
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