These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Other people’s insensitivity will create trials and tribulations this week, so even though you were thinking of going off your meds, you’d better not.
You will meet the love of your life in a chance encounter in an elevator. Firefighters will only be able to guess at the power of your love as they pull your mangled corpses out of the wreckage at the bottom of the elevator shaft. Take the stairs this week.
You will come into a great deal of money this week. Or maybe you will come onto a great deal of money this week. The stars are sending mixed messages, but if you beat off near piles of cash, consider the mystery solved.
Your loneliness will only be matched by your ingenuity this week when you pioneer a new fetish revolution: fuckable pizza.
As a true Gemini, years of repression combined with stressful events will cause you to become unhinged, unleashing a split personality who loves vodka and ice cream just as much as you do. Yay!
This is your week to be brave and courageous. Just don’t forget that restraining order.
You are a noble soul, and you have the power to change the world. Ha! Just kidding, you can barely change your own underwear.
You know that shower you’ve been putting off taking? This is a good week to finally do that. Please.
There is a chance that a total stranger will present you with an opportunity that’s too good to pass up. So, have your life savings available and prepare for your new adventure as a cult member.
Something disastrous is just around the corner, so, you know, make sure to be careful going around corners this week.
Avoid the urge to overshare on social media this week, or the next, or the one after that … or ever really, just don’t do it.
Surround yourself with like-minded people this week. For you, that probably means spending a lot of time by the primate enclosure at your local zoo.
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