By Tryptophan the all-knowing koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Don’t go to work today. Kevin is bringing his daughter, and that kid rubs snot on everything.
You will encounter great fortune today, so don’t fuck it up.
Bring a change of underwear to work today. Don’t ask why. But you’re welcome.
Jesus really likes you, but he’s just not ready to commit yet. Don’t push it or you’ll just scare him off.
Today, you would be wise to heed the sage wisdom of Jack Donaghy: “Never follow a hippie to a second location.”
Bury the money in the corner of your back yard before 3 p.m. this afternoon. Don’t pretend you don’t know why.
That still small voice you’ve been hearing lately, it’s not the spirit. It’s Phil. He’s standing right behind you.
When that special someone looks at you with a twinkle in their eye, call 911. It’s a shard of glass.
Venus is all up in your shit. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing, that’s what.
The stars are lining up in your favor. Now is the time. Summon Cthulhu.
Be kind to others this week, not for earthly rewards but for the feeling of self-righteous superiority it gives you.
If you open yourself to new things, romance may find you. Or, you’ll be eaten by a pack of coyotes. It could go either way.
