After the controversy surrounding the Springdale Town Council’s rejection of the 2016 Tour of Utah and following the recent announcement by the Tour, Springdale residents are busy setting various booby traps near the entrance to Zion National Park in efforts to deter pesky cyclists.
“Springdale is already overrun by tourists as it is,” said resident Jenny Jackson, 58, who was busy stringing fishing wire at chest level Utah State Route 9.
According to Springdale mayor Stan Smith, the Tour of Utah was been given the green light by Zion National Park for the 2016 event but not by Springdale itself.
“We simply cannot accommodate the increasing numbers of tourists that are coming into our town,” said Smith while loading darts into an ancient stone statue connected to a trigger mechanism in the road. “We cannot—and so help me Shiva, we will not,” he added with a grimace.
“As Utahns, destroying Utah’s natural resources is our job, not the job of some bike-riding band of yuppies,” remarked native Utahn and local developer Bindy Allred, 42.
The Springdale Town Council is currently making plans for several additions to the area’s infrastructure.
“We are hiding a catapult platform under SR-9 that can be triggered by pulling a remote lever. When riders are on the platform, pulling a lever will release the catapult, vaulting intruders into the air and through a series of burning hoops before landing them in a cactus patch,” said Smith while sharpening a throwing knife. “Residents are encouraged to participate. Tickets are $10, and lever-pulling opportunities will be allowed on a rotating first come, first served basis.”
“It’ll be just like Cirque du Soleil but better,” Smith added. “We’ll be trying it out on some tourists from Vegas next week. Just in time for Christmas!” Smith winked.
The bodies of casualties from the 2016 Tour of Utah have already been bid on for purchase from the Town of Springdale by Izzy Poco, LLC for Subway sandwiches.
“What? It’s lean meat,” remarked an Izzy Poco representative.
At press time, the Springdale Town Council was allocating funds for digging trenches along SR-9 and purchasing semiautomatic weapons and hollow-point ammunition.
RELATED ARTICLES THAT ARE ACTUALLY TRUE:
The Tour of Utah and why Springdale is mad as hell
New Tour of Utah resolution also rejected by Springdale Town Council
Why would you print such a ridiculous, inflammatory story? What a waste. Shame on you for printing such untruths about my town.
Boo! Sophomoric, distasteful and un-funny article.
Just like those people in Springdale to booby-trap UT-9 instead of SR-9 where the Tour will actually take place.