Fancy man misspells theaterAn area man has smugly misspelled “theater,” thereby lending artistic integrity and an air of distinction and authority to a local dramatic organization.

“Ye Olde Towne Theatre will opene its doores on Decembre 18,” declared southern Utah resident and theater enthusiast Francis Fairybottom while nibbling on what appeared to be Girl Scout Cookies sprinkled with glitter and wrapped in a doily.

“Our faire theatre will presente dramatick workes of arte for the publick to enjoye,” he added, nobly dabbing crumbs from his cravat with his pinky finger exquisitely extended at a 90-degree angle.

The National Endowment for the Arts has taken note of the misspelling.

“We are impressed,” said Jane Chu, chairman of the NEA, raising one eyebrow in astonishment and admiration. “Those triumphant bastards in southern Utah have really done it this time!”

Fred Adams, founder of the Utah Shakespeare Festival said that he is glad to see another addition to southern Utah’s overwhelming swarm of theaters with haphazardly misspelled names.

“The USF is committed to bringing not only great dramatic works to southern Utah but also to mangling the spellings of the buildings in which we perform them. We welcome the addition of this new theater,” said Adams.

“I mean this new theatre,” he corrected. “We are also hoping that local business owners will be inspired to open more shoppes.”

“We considred callinge the theatre the ‘Southern Utah Theater’ in accordance with propre elementary-schoole Englishe,” said Fairybottom, picking a superfluous letter E from his teeth. “But the worde ‘theater,’ a flaccide and vile bastardization of language, hardly invokes the grandeure, majestye, and sophistication so eloquently impliede by the superfluous reversion to British spellinge,” he noted while adjusting his monocle.

Ye Olde Towne Theatre kicks off it’s opening season with an original children’s musical, a stage adaptation of William Burroughs’ “The Naked Lunch” entitled “Thee Nakede Lunche.” Tickets are overpriced.

At press time, the theater’s founder was literally tiptoeing through some tulips.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, copy editor and staff writer Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida.

He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville’s longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover’s Cafe.

When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online:

He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and his pronouns are “zap,” “quack,” and “boing.”