These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
People will rain on your parade all week. The question you need to ask yourself is, “Why in the hell am I putting on a parade, anyway?”
Yes, your cat is trying to kill you, and yes, you should have opted for the little fake testicles when you had him neutered. Wear a cup or have him declawed.
Reconnect with family this week. They’re the only ones genetically obligated to put up with your shit.
When things get difficult, know that someone will be watching over you today. In fact, the FBI has been tracking you for some time now.
Give people the benefit of the doubt this week. Then, once they’ve screwed you over, seek revenge with reckless abandon.
After the loss of a loved one, you will go though a period of deep grieving this week. To cope, try saying “That’s what she said” through the tears in response to everything. It’s what she would have wanted.
In a survival situation, remember that you can drink your urine to survive. However, this week will be just fine, so stop drinking pee.
It will feel like life is pulling you in a million directions this week. It’s not. You just ate too much over the weekend and are feeling bloated.
No, beans are not a musical fruit. You’re right, they are legumes. Still, it wasn’t worth murdering someone over. So think twice before getting so drunk before the next potluck, and be glad everyone thought Uncle Harry had just passed out while drinking ketchup again.
You’re most likely feeling lost this week, unsure which direction to take your life. Don’t. The best direction for your life is sitting on your ass watching reruns of The Golden Girls.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for gonorrhea. You brought that back with you.
Mercury will ruin everything for you this week. Get a lawyer and sue the shit out of it.
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