These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
A sneeze may become a shart at the swimming pool. This is the week to eat as much bread as possible.
You will find new love this week, which is surprising considering how annoying you are.
Dear Aries, you are an exceptionally motivated individual. If you focus on your goals and work hard, there is no end to what you can accomplish … seriously, we’re talking world domination, a gold scepter, and big fuzzy hat.
This week, you will find yourself overcome with an indescribable sense of worry despite everything in your life going well. Don’t stress. It’s just your subconscious dealing with the fact that one day you’ll die and no one will remember you.
Mercury and Mars will both continue to orbit the sun in a way that has never had and will never have any bearing on your life whatsoever.
You have a natural spark that you can’t help but spread to others. Pick up a Blu-ray of “Fire Starter” and take notes if you don’t want to be arrested for arson.
This is a great week to get away from it all. Really, just go away for a while. The universe is sick of your shit.
The stars will shine on you this week, dear Virgo. I mean, that’s just basic science. Otherwise, you’re still completely unremarkable.
The forces of darkness will mount against you this week. Build a blanket fort, stock up on Chunky Monkey, and re-watch Battlestar Galactica to ride out the storm.
You’ve been feeling like sexually experimenting lately, so get some friends and family together and play strip Monopoly, you randy little freak you.
You will climb a tree, eat leaves, and poop pretty much wherever you feel like it. No wait, that’s me.
You will be a pioneer in the art of profanity this week, dear Capricorn, when your laptop lands on your foot, shattering both the screen as well as three metatarsals. Better send the kids to Grandma’s ahead of time.
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