These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
When you discover that you were switched at birth, you’ll realize that your life has been a series of lies intended to dupe you into complacency. You know what’s not a series of lies intended to dupe you into complacency? Astrology.
You will make history this week when you consume an entire fifth of whisky on a camping trip and drunkenly attempt to deflower the Virgin River.
You will become so pathetically enmeshed in online video gaming this week that you will actually attempt to pay your phone bill with gold pieces via your half-orc cleric/warrior, Mogrog Gro-Bugnug.
After years of excuses, you will finally find the strength to stop drinking this week, after which you will become a dry, boring, and bitter person who never wants to do anything fun.
You will chance upon a small sum of money this week in the form of a $20 bill that you will chase into a busy street, narrowly evading death but causing a wreck that kills an entire family. Since they were going out for ice cream, you may as well treat yourself!
This week brings support for business proposals. Still, you can only ask so much for a handjob.
Now is the time to take a big risk in the name of love. Go with the hammer pants and neon green muscle shirt. Do your thing.
Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses this week. Also, don’t forget to check your shoes for dog shit. Your neighbor’s Australian Stumpy Tail Cattle Dog, Mrs. Fluffy Luby Wookie Face, has already claimed those roses as hers.
The stars are moving into alignment for you this week. Just for you! You lucky bastard.
It is time to rethink some of your life choices, like eating a spoonful of horseradish covered wasabi. Seriously, why? Why would you do that? By tomorrow morning your butt-hole will look like Trump’s face.
The answer to several of life’s big mysteries will come to you this week while reading The Secret. Ha! Just kidding, that book’s full of more crap than I am, and I’ve been backed up for a week solid.
For years you’ve been misdirecting self-hate onto specific cultural groups. It’s time to let things go, learn to love yourself, and leave the furries who meet up in the Walmart parking lot alone.
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