These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Mercury conjoins Jupiter this week, causing you to question your own sexuality.
As temperatures drop, you will feel an overwhelming sense of relief, knowing that you will once again be able to hide your hideous body under piles of clothing. And don’t worry about your body type. You’re all hideous.
This week, you will feel that the spirit of the Lord is descending upon you. Don’t worry, it’s just schizophrenia.
All of your friends and family who are Trump supporters and all of your friends and family who are Clinton supporters will kill each other this week. Finally!
Your spouse will question your sanity this week when he or she walks in on you taking life advice from a talking koala.
You will earn a new nickname this week when a fire drill prompts an anxiety attack that culminates in you soiling yourself and subsequently falling in your own waste — two more reasons to stop drinking so much coffee, Slipshits.
This week, sometimes you’ll feel like a nut, sometimes you won’t. By the weekend though, you’ll have completely lost it and you’ll cover yourself in coconut and chocolate.
The heavens are filled with wonders you will never comprehend. Other people might, but you struggle grasping simple concepts like not eating expired food. Quantum mechanics are a little out of your reach.
You are a reserved person by nature. That will change this week when you learn a new and exciting word. Jägermeister.
As fall comes and leaves start to change colors, you will become filled with nostalgia. You will also become filled with pie. Then you will become filled with nostalgia about pie. Pie.
You’ve always wanted to achieve the American dream. You will find this wish suddenly fulfilled this week when you’re offered a job as a Walmart greater.
Late one night this week you will find a cold chill crawling up your spine. Maybe hold off on calling the paranormal instigators until after you’ve called a heating and air-conditioning technician.
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