These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Your hard work and determination will pay off this week when you finally rip that huge wart on your hand that you keep gnawing at all the way off.
This week, asking yourself “What would Jesus do?” may lead to hanging out in a motel room full of hookers. However, I don’t think Jesus would have made a point of proving that he was circumcised.
The universe will finally begin to make sense to you when a child draws mustaches on all of your tarot cards.
This week is prime for mischief, like having sex in a swimming pool. But this time, don’t bang a blow-up doll at the aquatic center.
Are Geminis liars? Why, yes, they are.
There will be two positive outcomes as a result of your failed attempt to suicide-bomb your workplace this week. Not only will you be the most popular employee after a delightful impromptu fireworks display but your unsightly body hair will be permanently removed.
This week you will take great pleasure in making strangers smile. But be careful, most folks aren’t cool with random people touching their faces.
The world is full of people just doing the best they can. The fact that their best sucks is no reason to mock them. However, the fact that you’re dead inside and need a distraction from work is.
Watch out for anything with the number two on it. Why? No reason.
I know you’re excited for Halloween, and you want a new tattoo. But remember, despite what you’re racist uncle says, blackface is NEVER okay.
You will find yourself invited to an unusual amount of social outings this week. If you want that trend to continue, make this you mantra “I will not behave like a drunk frat boy. I will not behave like a drunk frat boy. I will not behave like a drunk frat boy.”
For years you’ve wondered what would happen if you quit your job and chased your dreams. Bankruptcy, alcoholism, nude miming, being born again, abandoning your faith for an affair with someone named Pat, moving to Arizona and getting a job as a product tester for off brand laxatives. There, I just saved you ten awful years.
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