Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Thinking you are registering to vote, you will mistakenly order three Nachos Bell Grande and a cheesy gordita crunch.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
Disillusioned by yet another disappointing Easter with no risen Christ, you will convert to a different nonsensical belief system. That’ll teach ’em.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
You will open a new condom factory in southern Utah, which will almost immediately go out of business.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
Upon learning that the creators of South Park are outspoken Republicans, you will suffer a nervous breakdown.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Everything in your life will be supercharged with political purpose when you discover that Pokemon have no political rights.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
After DSU fails to fire your Reformed Egyptian professor after allegations of assault, you’ll begin to suspect that something is up.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
Somehow — somehow — your arguments for preserving Bears Ears National Monument based upon the preferences of fictional Native American deities will fall upon deaf ears. Somehow.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your Antifa comrades will slit your throat in your sleep after you admit that you aren’t all that crazy about “Rick and Morty.”
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
You will be disappointed to learn that Beans and Wheels is not a food truck.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
You’ll be so excited over spring’s arrival that you’ll actually consider provoking God’s wrath by wearing only one layer of clothing.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You’ll become convinced that you’ve met your soul mate after meeting someone with size 13 feet.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You will lose your job this week after your mission to smash the patriarchy culminates in a refusal to wear pants.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
