These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week may be the time to branch out socially. The friendships you have now may last a lifetime, which is scary because all of your friends suck.
Stick to your guns this week and believe in yourself. Honor your soul. If you want to be naked in a playground, who are the police to tell you otherwise?
You may be offered a new position at work this week but may be afraid to take it in fear that your coworkers will resent you. You will have to choose between success and popularity. You have neither, so it’s a win-win situation.
You’ve always wanted to open young minds, and that is exactly what you will do this week when you slip LSD into the punch at a child’s birthday party. Don’t have second thoughts about it. It’s not like you’re giving children LDS.
You’ve been very focused on yourself lately, dear Gemini. You should take the time to check in with friends and family this week. A whole bunch of them are dead.
You will be brimming with ideas this week, dear Cancer. Consult with your closest friends, but don’t take it personally when they tell you that you have the mind of a 3-year-old. Maybe it’s a compliment!
In your heart, you’ve always believed the world is a loving place. While testing this belief by giving strangers hugs this week, you’ll realize that the world is, in fact, a disgusting and gropey place.
An admirer will step out from the shadows this week. Don’t worry they’ll still admire you even after you break their nose. Who steps out from a shadow anyway?
The mental scars you carry from walking in on your parents having sex will only worsen this week when you walk in on your parents trying, but failing, to have sex. Try not to judge, though. Not everyone can age gracefully.
Someone once inspired you by pointing out that the world is dotted with wonder. Well, the world is also dotted with discarded chewing gum, so maybe curb those expectations a little.
You need to fill your body with good things. Wait, stop! Don’t try to eat that baby! I meant fruits and vegetables. The hell is wrong with you?
Fall is here. Leaves are changing colors, temperatures are dropping, and a mutated orange grown in the lab of a mad scientist is running for president. Go ahead and start celebrating Halloween early this year.
