These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Later this week you’ll be just as captivatingly photogenic in a casket as you are now. Alternatively, take your destiny by the throat, so to speak, and start chewing your damned food.
You will start the week with a burning sense of purpose. Don’t worry, you’ll soon settle back into that pervasive feeling of hopelessness — your comfort zone.
Expect mostly sunny skies with highs in the upper 90s. That’s sort of a horoscope, right?
After your first coffee enema this week, you’ll realize that you can never truly be straight-edge … or even just straight, for that matter.
A trip to the genealogist will reveal that your mom was a hooker. A trip to the gynecologist will reveal that your spouse is a hooker. Those both start with “G!” This will remind you of Sesame Street and how as a kid you always wondered if Maria was a hooker. (My cousin Oscar says yes.)
You will be hailed as a hero this week when a crazed fan mistakes you for Stephen Hawking and assassinates you. Thank God, because you are by far more expendable in comparison.
Due to last week’s meteor shower, the heavens are all funkified. On a side note, your attempt to make “funkified” a thing this week will be met with mixed reactions.
This week it will be important for you to remember that trying harder isn’t always the right move. Do you want hemorrhoids? Because that’s how you get hemorrhoids.
As the new school year approaches, you will find yourself filled with dread for what the future holds. You should be more concerned with what your DVR holds. Do you really need every season of “Real Housewives?”
When you find yourself feeling inspired by the Olympics this week, you’ll decide to take up swimming as a sport. If you consider flailing around and gasping to be swimming, you’ll be a total success. Interestingly, the same holds true for the rest of your life.
The future holds many secrets and so does your nightstand. If you want to avoid an awkward encounter, be sure to keep your bedroom door closed when family visits this week.
You will find yourself in the public eye this week. Wait…I’m getting a correction from Venus…Oh, turns out you will find yourself with pinkeye this week. My bad.
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