Because Animals MatterA group called “Because Animals Matter” is going to host an event it calls the “Dog Day Spectacular” in Hurricane Sept. 10. Ironically, it plans on selling hot dogs and hamburgers — the remains of animals who did not seem to matter — for profit at the event.

I feel like I could just end the piece there and let you digest the cognitive dissonance yourself.

But I’ll make fun of this a little first.

Here’s a suggestion: Change the name of the group to “Because Some Animals Matter,” or perhaps “Because Certain Animals Matter.” Just call it “Because Dogs Matter,” because you clearly don’t really care about the animals whose corpses you’re making a profit off of. You clearly don’t really care about those animals’ children, who are currently suffering the same fate as you read this piece. Clearly, some animals don’t matter that much.

I realize that messes up the “BAM” acronym. But think of it this way: What impact you lose with an acronym that sounds like Hanna-Barbera onomatopoeia you gain back two-fold for not being hypocrites.

The group’s leader, September Smith, probably didn’t come up with the name. So the fact that people are showing up for “Because Animals Matter” events thinking that animals matter when according to the group’s actions they don’t isn’t entirely her fault.

However, continuing the charade by maintaining the name while behaving to the contrary is.

What do these people think hot dogs and hamburgers are made of? Rainbows?

And then there’s the minor technicality that — whoops — human beings are animals. And there’s the glaring fact that the No. 1 killer in our country right now is heart disease, to which eating hot dogs and hamburgers, laden with cholesterol and saturated fat, contributes significantly. And I’d be remiss not to mention that the No. 2 killer in our country is cancer, to which eating meat — particularly processed meat-based pseudofoods like hot dogs and hamburgers — contributes significantly.

I’d say that if animals matter, we should do what we can to save human animals by not feeding them garbage that kills them.

I’d say that if animals matter, we should show some respect for the fact that they’re sentient beings, too, and not fund factory farms by buying foods made from their tortured-to-death remains.

I’d say that if animals matter, the last way I’d show it would be by attending an event where I can purchase macerated bits of them between two slices of brand.

But there I go again, thinking that animals actually do matter.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, copy editor and staff writer Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online: indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and his pronouns are "zap," "quack," and "boing."