Dixie State University, now known as the Trailblazers, or the Tail Braziers, or the Braille Tasers, is blazing a trail all over the goddamned place.
“Trails have been blazed, but the blaze of our trail will blaze on for many trails to come,” said DSU President Biff “The Spliff” Williams, who was not only wearing a blazer but also appeared to be blazed.
“As Trailblazers, we are blazed to be trailing behind … uh … nothing!” rambled Williams. “We trail ahead of the blaze, by trailing the blaze behind for many … uh … buffalos. Because the future is now! Or at least it’s about to be. Just wait!”
A DSU spokesperson, who was also wearing a blazer and appeared to be somewhat blazed, trailed behind Williams as they exited the new DSU Blaze Trailer.
“There are a lot of trails in St. George, but none blaze so blazingly as the trails blazed here today,” the spokesperson said between mouthfuls of Cheetos. “Sorry, the entire marketing staff just blazed a huge trail in our new DSU Blaze Trailer, and I’ve got crazy munchies.”
DSU’s chief marketing and communications officer — who was also wearing a blazer and appeared absolutely blazed — claims that they did not invent the identity.
“We didn’t invent this identity,” he said. “This identity emerged from who we are. Wait, who are we? Oh yeah, the Tail Baiters. It’s copyrighted, though, even though we didn’t invent it. So you can’t make a pretend version of Mary Jane the Buffalo on your Facebook page or we’ll sue the fuck out of you, just like we sue the fuck out of anyone else who crosses our path … er, trail. Bwahaha! Hey, what flavor is that tape recorder?”
Apparently mad with power, Williams issued an “imperial decree” to all DSU employees, commanding them to integrate “Trailblazers,” as well as its variants and conjugated forms, into daily speech and writing as many times as possible under penalty of firing and death.
“We are all pretty confused by the president’s actions lately,” said a DSU professor who asked to be kept anonymous. “The whole ‘Dixie’ thing is enough of a resume-killer. Then there have been the freedom of speech lawsuits and the whole Varlo Davenport debacle, which pretty much means I’m stuck at this community college for life.”
“Now we’ve dropped $50,000 to have a drug-addicted cow or something as a mascot,” she continued. “That’s supposed to inspire fear in our competition … I guess fear of getting arrested, I don’t know. ‘Red Storm’ was way scarier. There’s nothing more terrifying than premenstrual syndrome combined with football. But in reality, all that has happened is that business is booming for local pizzerias, Dixie State University’s campus reeks even worse of skunkweed, and people here are ashamed and afraid … I mean, more so than usual.”
“Oh, and I’m supposed to mention Failblazers or I was told that I’ll lose my job and a Freemason will slit my throat,” the professor continued. “So, you know … Trailblazers. Whatever.”
When asked about his “imperial decree,” Williams seemed disoriented.
“Who said that? For the record, I have never tased a blind person,” added Williams. “I did a whole bunch of other illegal shit, though. Two words: bison porn. Hey man, are you holding?”
At press time, most DSU students appeared too blazed to respond when asked what they thought of the new mascot and identity. None were wearing blazers.
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Think about it – IT WORKS FOR EVERYBODY…. From a sports standpoint, a school’s mascot does not have to instill fear… As an example – USC has had a white horse called Traveler for over a 100 years… And every time they score points at a football game, one hears people in the crowd shouting “the horse , the horse” as if it was a heroin fix… And then out comes the horse and the band plays…. The Portland TRAIL BLAZERS have the same title – but if you compare their mascot “blaze the trail cat” to the bison, there is no doubt that Dixie St. comes on top. The bison is in line to become the first national mammal of the United States. It is a cool animal and was sacred to the Native American Indians. As far as the name trail blazer, it has a unique connotation… There are certain people who have lived on this planet that were and are so called trail blazers. John Muir, Marco Polo, Kit Carson, Louis & Clark, or for that matter Stanley Livingston are trailblazers… There are technological trailblazers, like Steve Jobs and Wozniak, Da Vinci, or the founder of Facebook. Lastly, the pioneers that came out west, and settled this area, were in fact trailblazers… Now Jason, AS I READ BETWEEN YOUR LINES, you can see trails when you are on acid. And yes you can blaze a joint as well… So even for the Dixie stoners, there is a connection… Who cares… AND IN FACT I KNOW YOU SECRETLY THINK THAT IS COOL… So there you go… Way better than RAPTOR – a vicious pack hunting carnivore made popular by Hollywood, and Sun Warriors – although relating to the ST GEORGE DRAGON MYTH, doesn’t connect beyond the mythological construct. Trailblazers is the best choice, and to be honest, DID YOU ENTER THE CONTEST? If not, what would have been your choice? NOW – after the fact – MR MONDAY MORNING QB… LOL…. Yes they spent 50K, but going back to my example, do you know how much the University of Southern California pays to take care of their white horse on an annual basis? Could they have done it for 25K? Maybe if you had helped Jason… Easy to criticize when YOU ARE NOT BEING A TRAILBLAZER in the realm of mascot selection…. ANYWAY – your articles always are entertaining…. no doubt the cutting edge of critical analysis of the absurd, mundane, strange and sometimes heartfelt phenomena that happens here is Washington County… 🙂
I would disagree that a bison comes out on top over a predatory carnivore. Sounds like one is the other’s lunch. Nor do I know what a “first national mammal” is (I would assume that it’s Barack Obama at the moment), but it doesn’t sound like much of an honor if people can order burgers made out of it. First national entree, maybe.
Comparing anything about DSU — really anything at all — with the list of historical figures you named is exactly the kind of nonsensical grandiosity the joke hinges upon. DSU is a glorified community college with a dismal record of citizens’ rights violations in it’s short, embarrassing history. It makes SUU look like Harvard. Rather than address any of that, it would prefer to simply imply that it is something it is not. That doesn’t fool thinking people for a second. The trail DSU is blazing is a downward spiral regardless of its allegedly delicious mascot.
For the record, I’ve never done acid (I’m straight edge vegan), so my drug references are all to marijuana as DSU is considered a party school. At least it’s good for something, though.
By “did you enter the contest?” I assume you’re referring to their online poll that I made fun of. Yes, I did enter, mostly for research purposes for my piece, “Watch me salvage the DSU rebranding survey,” as I truly could not care less what Yeehaw University uses to try to draw attention away from the fact that its name evokes barbaric thinking and racism in 49.5 out of 50 states.
DSU’s real need for rebranding hinges upon it’s rednecky name, yet it claims that it cannot change its name because its against the law. Horse shit! The law never stopped it from doing anything … well, except for the time the court stopped it from trampling its students’ First Amendment rights. If an economist were to study the positive long-term effects of changing the name, I bet they would reconsider. At the moment, ancestor worship trumps reason, as usual.
Between you and me, I was really hoping that the raptor would win so that I could screenprint Raptor Jesus shirts and distribute them at DSU sporting events. Now that’s marketing! As you say, there is plenty of strangeness and absurdity here to be witnessed. I am glad to be able to entertain by drawing attention to the most absurd bits.
Thanks for your rebuttal. Very humorous and full of wit. In regards to Dixie State, I only know about what I read in the Independent. Cancelled the Spectrum a year ago after their outsourced delivery company kept throwing my paper under my thorny rose bushes and were impossible to get them to stop delivery when I was out of town. I guess I kind of feel sorry for Dixie State as they are always being slammed so hard in the press. The Davenport issue is extremely horrific… I agree… How they handled it was pathetic. I guess I want Dixie St to become a better Institution, and thrive on behalf of the community. Anyway, I still think the Bison is the best choice, and yes it is going to be next to the bald eagle as a national symbol… look it up. LOL .. keep the faith…
Oh, I’m in 100% agreement with you, sir. I would love to see Dixie State drop the cotton pickin’ reference (a reference to a total failure) and rename as U of Utah, St. George or St. George University or something. I would love to see it develop into a hub of innovation and intellectual exploration. Having an actual university here would slowly transform this giant retirement home and hotbed for white collar crime into a cultural mecca nestled within the natural jewelry of the southern Utah landscape. I would feel sorry for DSU if it weren’t so abusive. But it really, really is. It has become the shame of Washington County (as if Washington County needs more to be ashamed of). At this point, even a name change would do little to wipe the slate clean of the feces DSU has smeared upon it. Oh well. There’s always the University of Phoenix, right?
Yep. It’s safe to say that I love you for this.
Yay!
Amazing communication in terms of congruence and honesty. Funny, I feel the same way about Jazzys as you feel about Dixie St… (another story for another day… as I love real rock clubs. And we have some incredible local musicians and bands in this town that deserve better)… However, there is always hope… I recommended in another article comment section that Dixie State should conduct a national survey with HR directors to see if the school’s name is disadvantageous outside of Utah. As an academic institution with professors available they could pull this off at minimal cost. It would only be fair to their students as well as alumni to find out the truth of the matter. It may be it is a non-issue OR it may be it is a serious defect and a detriment for the students. If they can’t do this then it is sad and perhaps hopeless. The president is relatively new. He can take the lead to turn things around. Maybe he is entrenched with stagnant administrators and is unwilling to push change due to politics. I will quote a previous statement I made many months ago… For a small school they sure have a lot controversy and issues. The bottom line, if the President doesn’t turn things around in another year, then it is in the best interest of the STUDENTS and former alumni that new leadership from OUTSIDE is brought in to help make the school a first class institution. Your positive vision is beautiful. However your final remarks indicating hoplessness have no productive value. Perhaps it is hopeless BUT who really knows. It is too early to call. They need to do a study, and if it comes back highly negative, then changing the school’s name becomes not only logical, but necessary – regardless of local opinion based on romanticized beliefs and long standing traditions. How about a thought provoking article on your vision of Dixie St. 10 years into the future? Now that may have an impact. My favorite TV show is 12 Monkeys by the way. The future is open ended.