Dixie State University begins re-branding efforts

In an effort to appeal to fewer prospective students, Dixie State University has hired a consulting agency to assist in its efforts to re-brand itself as a more offensive, less appealing option for undergraduates.

“Some people have been highly critical of the university’s use of the word, ‘Dixie,'” said a university spokesperson. “Many students have cited concerns that the name alone is potentially detrimental in future job applications as it has divisive, racist, and antiquated connotations.”

“We’re hoping to capitalize on that,” she added.

The effort aims to drive DSU towards its niche market of desperate students who are hastily looking for alternatives to the University of Phoenix or Kaplan University while simultaneously expanding its horizons to appeal to a wider audience of politically indifferent and socially callous young adults on an international stage. Specifically, the institution seeks to target young adults who want to attend college but are afraid to leave the cocoon-like alternate universe of southern Utah or who wish to relocate to a safe but intellectually stifling environment.

“We’re thinking that ‘Red Storm’ is a little too tame of a mascot,” said the spokesperson. “While it does have certain menstrual connotations that we feel makes it great fodder for fraternity humor websites, we think we can do better. Er, worse, rather. We’re still in the brainstorming phase, but we’re envisioning something that will have equal shock value across all demographics. Right now, we’re working on combining ideas like a giant phallus carrying a noose with other concepts such as a middle finger with bat wings enveloped in flames or the skeleton of a Tyrannosaur dual-wielding automatic weapons—but nothing has solidified yet.”

“We want to attract only the cream of the crop,” she continued. “We feel that DSU students want a university on their resumes that says ‘Screw You’ to pretty much everyone—not just certain minorities. And if nothing else, we’ll just baffle people into enrolling. It seems to work for Hamburger University.”

At the time of press, the Board of Regents was equally divided between renaming Dixie State University “Yeehaw Redneck State University,” and “Fuck You Bitch Whatever Asshole $t@te University.”

Editor’s Note: This article is satire.