Starting in the 2016 fall semester, Dixie State University will open its new degree program in political corruption.
The course is spearheaded by DSU President Dr. Biff “The Spliff” Williams and will focus on extortion, evasion, slander, libel, intimidation, blackmail, bribery, coercion, subterfuge, civil rights violations, First Amendment violations, buffoonery, snickering, ruining lives, and pooping into a bag during meetings without being caught.
“We feel that The Spliff is more qualified than anyone in the region to develop the curriculum for this program,” said DSU representative and pretend lawyer Doajo Hicks. “He makes Joseph Smith look like Jesus Christ.”
The first of its kind in the region, the degree program is already drawing nationwide critical acclaim.
“The Spliff is a real pro,” said gangster legend Whitey Bulgar. “If I had studied under him in my youth, I probably would never have been caught. Those shiny little Utah kids will never know what hit them.”
Interest in the program has been high, and enrollment is already closed for the 2016 fall semester.
“I was going to major in criminal psychology,” said Prant O’Houlihan. “But when I saw this opportunity arise, a chance to study with a master, The Spliff himself … well I just about shit an entire bag of Skittles. This will look great on my resume when I apply to Halliburton.”
“Except for the ‘Dixie’ part,” he added. “That’s still embarrassing.”
To celebrate the inauguration of the new political corruption degree program, Dixie State University has installed toilet paper throughout campus printed with the U.S. Constitution.
“Now everyone at DSU can wipe their asses with the Constitution!” said Williams.
At press time, Williams was attending the lethal injection of his own dog after framing it for eating an entire pan of his wife’s brownies.
Editor’s note: A previous version of this piece misspelled Doajo Hicks’ name. This piece is satire. A degree from Dixie State University doesn’t look good on any resume.