As we steadily creep toward the presidential election this November, average citizens tend to proclaim that they know what the country needs to become better. If only we would listen to their ideas, we could fix all of America’s problems. So, I decided to join the fray and offer up what my own platform would be if I were elected president. But none of this “Madam President” stuff. What am I, 80 years old? I spent a decade in college to get a doctorate, so we’ll go with the far more obnoxious and narcissistic title of “Doctor President.” I’m sure it will engender favor with all those folks whose only criterion for president is that they be “someone I could get a beer with.” But enough about my ivory tower accomplishments. Here are my first four policies as Dr. President.
1. No discussion of serious issues on social media
You’re never going to say something important through a 140-character post on Twitter or a status update on Facebook. People’s comments are too brief to get to the meat of their actual ideas. Thus, comments which could potentially have substance just come off as inflammatory language and set everyone else off. Use all other social media for what it was intended for: cat videos.
2. Reduction of the population
There’s too many people. For some reason, there still seems to be concern about making sure the human race lives on (which I’ve never understood, what makes everyone think humans are so special?), but I think with more than 300 million people in this country alone, there’s no worries there. We are overcrowded, harming the planet that humans need to live, and more importantly getting in my way when I’m trying to go to the post office or drive to the Vegas strip.
Darwin tells us only the strongest traits survive, but I think evolution is happening a bit too slowly. I plan to help speed up the process and have the military shoot sterilization blowdarts into social groups who shouldn’t breed. You might think “Dr. President, this makes you sound like Hitler!” Pshh, I wish my facial hair looked that good. But really, read the list below and tell me that you’d actually be sad when these populations die out because they can’t procreate:
—Walmart shoppers. Please note that I’m one of these and happily await my blowdart.
—Loud cell phone users. I may not be able to get you to shut up, but I’ll make sure this trait never gets passed down.
—New Jersey. All of it. The only use we’ve had of this state is for shows that make fun of it. Who would really notice if it became empty over the next 30 years?
—Soldier Field season ticket owners. I expect they’ll throw me a series of parties in the upper Midwest for this one. #GoPackGo
—Trump supporters. Like I need to explain this one.
3. Educators get paid like doctors
They do this in a number of countries, such as Luxembourg, where teachers can make around $130,000 per year. Here in the states, we pay teachers and professors as if their jobs do not matter, and the education system quality is mediocre yet expensive compared to the rest of the world. How do we expect to be a world power if our children can barely read? And having been a professor for over a decade, I can attest that adults aren’t doing much better. If educators actually received some appreciation in the form of monetary rewards, their profession would be more respected, they would feel like their work was valued, and it would prevent against burnout. Oh, and anyone who is caught saying “Those who can’t do, teach” gets a blowdart. So, where will the money for a massive raise come from, you ask? The next policy should start to help.
4. No more tax breaks for married couples
I’ve been harassed since I can remember regarding my disinterest in this tradition, hearing that it’s the best part of people’s lives other than their children (though this will change for the groups listed above in policy No. 2) and essential for “true” happiness. If it is as truly special and magical to spend all your money on one day of your life and believe you’ve found the one person you’re supposed to be with out of all 7 billion or so who exist, shouldn’t that be sufficient? Stop making me pay more taxes just because I refuse to sign a piece of paper to prove my relationship is valid. Married couples will now all file separately and owe the same amount as single people. However, this comes with the caveat that gay couples get 50 more years of tax breaks since they just started having this legal right. But after that, no more. Enjoy your relationships, and stop thinking the country owes you something for it.
Hopefully this gave some insight to what will clearly be an historic time in our country’s existence. I look forward to eight years of public service for my fellow Americans in between naps in the Lincoln bedroom and dinners with all my celebrity heroes. Vote Dr. President for a brighter tomorrow!