On President Donald Trump and what this election proved to me
Photo: Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0

President Donald Trump is here. Yikes. It’s a nightmare for some and vindication for others. It’s just one possible outcome of a lose-lose situation to me.

If you’re a Democrat, you’re freaking out because you had your head buried so far in a hole in the ground that the reality of President Donald Trump is a terrifying concept to you right now. Everyone but you knew this was going to happen.

If you’re a Republican, you’re probably soiling yourself with glee … but then again, perhaps not since an outsider hated by the Republican establishment who stood for all of the stereotypical worst of the GOP just won the presidency under your banner. But taking all the chips on the table might be enough to make you feel better.

If you’re some third-party member or an independent like me, you’ve been standing on the sidelines of society shaking your head for well over a year wondering how you’re even related to this species and are now shrugging your shoulders and shuffling off into the sunset with your hands in your pockets.

This bizarre, painful dumpster fire of an election proved a few things to me.

The corrupt Democratic Party thought it was invincible

I was a Bernie supporter, but not a huge one. I thought he was the best candidate, but I didn’t think he was great. He was like the most appealing turd in the bowl. If I’d been forced at gunpoint to pick a turd and eat it, I would have chosen that one. That’s some enthusiasm for ya. Yes, I’m an idealist.

However, he had the full support of a lot of loyal Democrats, and the DNC stupidly turned its back on those people when it allowed itself to be manipulated by Hillary Clinton.

We can see now how that worked out for them. They lost the House … and the Senate … and the presidency.

Dear Democratic Party, I’m not a political scientist, but since you’re named after democracy, you might not want to completely shit all over the people who make up your membership next time. Idiots.

The truth hurts

President Donald Trump — pardon me, God Emperor Trump — is our modern-day real-life Zaphod Beeblebrox. I believe that life is the weirdest possible thing that can happen to someone, and so I have to thank Julian Assange and WikiLeaks for playing a part in this peculiar turn of events by relentlessly exposing the fiercely-concealed truth about the Clintons.

While I think Edward Snowden should replace James Madison on the $10 bill, Julian Assange isn’t an American, so he’ll have to do with a Nobel Peace Prize at some point. If they gave an imperial warlord like Barack Obama one (I’ve always assumed as some sick practical joke), why wouldn’t they give one to a man who successfully waged a nonviolent war upon the American state propaganda machine?

What I didn’t get from WikiLeaks this year was some really Earth-shattering dirt on the Clinton Foundation. I mean, we got some real dirt, but Hillary Clinton is still a free woman (knock on wood), so clearly it didn’t go far enough.

But it went far enough to cost her the presidency. Dump after dump painted a clear picture of a maniacal criminal pulling every string she could wrap her talons around who saw no sin as off-limits. Nothing was off the table; it was only a question of evading culpability. Thanks to guys like Julian Assange, her schemes were held at least partially to the light. And I’m still voting for Hillary for prison.

Dear Julian Assange, so long and thanks for all the emails.

The alternative media are here to stay

How many polls predicted that Hillary Clinton was going to win this election? Now you know what those are worth.

Watching ABCNNBCBS and pals spread their legs for the Clinton machine this year was horrifying. The alternative media is populated with some real wing nuts as well as a handful of thoughtful, no-holds-barred journalists. It’s difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff, and my strategy is to read all of it, believe none of it, and continue reading.

But this year, they were at the forefront of the political battle lines. While CNN was lying to the public about it being illegal to view Clinton’s email leaks, the alternative media were aggressively analyzing and disseminating them. Sometimes they jumped to ridiculous conclusions, but at least they were there, letting their freak flags fly.

I agree that the alternative media tend to have a conservative bias. That doesn’t make them wrong; it just means that when they are wrong, we know in which direction they’re going to lean.

That said, the mainstream media have so much pie in their faces at this point that they have lost at least a certain amount of power and credibility to the alternative media in a manner similar to (but unmatched by) how the Democrats lost power to the Republicans.

Dear mainstream media, you suck! Many of us didn’t trust you before this election. Now we think you’re a royal parade of sold-out ass clowns. Purposely distorting and misrepresenting the truth at a time like this is tampering with an election to an infinitely larger degree than anything Vladimir Putin was imagined to have done.

America is so ready for a female president that we almost elected the whore of Babylon

It was painful to read about weepy women carrying on about being able to vote for a woman for president “for the first time ever.”

Seriously?

Women have been running for president for a very long time in this country. One woman clawed her way to the top of the Democratic ticket by behaving not like a woman but like a demon. Meanwhile, women were not getting all teary-eyed over voting for Jill Stein, who isn’t the perfect candidate but is more of a woman than Hillary Clinton ever could be. I wonder if they voted for Cynthia McKenna last year.

As with Barack Obama eight years ago, people were so hypnotized by Hillary Clinton’s anatomy that they failed to see what was lurking within.

Dear feminists (as well as “feminists”) of America, electing a woman who acts like a man is not a feminist triumph; it is a tragedy. We dodged a bullet. How sad would it to have been if that woman had been the first female president? Let’s elect a woman president someday, but let’s do it because she’s the best choice for our country, not because we’re giddy over the novelty that she is in possession of a functioning uterus. And here’s hoping that she will be a strong woman who leads our country to peace and prosperity and who exemplifies the best of her gender rather than one who co-opts the worst traits the opposite sex has to offer.

We’re so pissed that we’ll elect the craziest dude ever to run for president

I think it’s inarguable that a lot of people who voted for Donald Trump weren’t voting for him so much as they were voting against the Clinton/Bush/Obama regime. I think a lot of people saw a vote for Trump as a wrench to throw into the gears of the machinery of corrupt politics.

It just goes to show how desperately people want things to change that they will vote for such a dangerously inflammatory and unpredictable lunatic. Here in Utah, people wanted change so badly that over 150,000 people’s thought-processing centers shut down completely, rendering them unable to think coherent thoughts and leading them to vote for someone named Evan McMuffin, a guy who no one else in America has even heard of. What, Mayor McCheese wasn’t running this year? Way to make those dead pioneers proud with your legendary decision-making skills, Utah! Yeah! You truly never cease to amaze the other 49 states.

America wanted change, and we’re going to get change. Probably not change you can believe in, though … probably more like change you can’t believe is happening.

Dear America, if you’re really this pissed, voting for a rich psycho with weird hair — or even just a random item off of McDonald’s breakfast menu — is an interesting first step in the right direction … but it isn’t enough. Let’s discard the illusion that this country has to be run by either Democrats or Republicans. Or muffins. Trump is barely any of those. Clearly, we no longer care about blue ties vs. red ties, so next time let’s just vote with our hearts rather than being led by our noses like timid, mindless beasts through a media-led three-ring circus. But remember that the most powerful ballot is still the dollar bill. (Especially at the drive-through.)

Now what?

Now we brace ourselves for the most surreal four years in American history. We watch to see what a Donald Trump presidency will be like. The mere concept smacks of science fiction to such an extent that it’s hard to even imagine it, but it’s happening.

To be certain, this election was a lose-lose situation. Personally, I feel like we’re now on a countdown to see how long he lasts until Trump is assassinated. He peed in a lot of powerful people’s Cheerios.

I for one am happy that Hillary Clinton lost, but I could never be happy that Donald Trump was elected president of anything other than the local Pedophiles ‘R’ Us New York City chapter.

But if he can get that bitch behind bars, I might give him a little slack.

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Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, and multi-instrumental musician and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. Locally, he can be seen performing with David Jorgensen as a drummer and guitarist. He has an amazing fiancee, Jamie Ritter; a wonderful daughter, Sky; and a bad cat, Squeakyboots. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online for free: indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic