The scariest hygienic procedure just got festive. Or did the most festive hygienic procedure just get scarier? Or did the scariest festivity just get less hygienic?
Fans, critics, quack physicians, and lawyers for World Against Toys Causing Harm are still unsure, but Mattel and the National Center for Homeopathy have teamed up to launch SparkleBottom, a fun new kind of enema — even more fun than the regular kind — just in time for Halloween.
Chonn Tingle said that he created SparkleBottom to fill not just a void in the rectum but also what he saw as a void in the market.
“Let’s say you’re throwing a Halloween party and everyone wants to get things going with a round of whiskey enemas,” said Tingle. “But how Halloweeny is a plain old, boring old Jack Daniels enema? What is this, your Uncle Carl’s Halloween party!? Mix in our Glitter Enema Mix and you’re ready to rock! Body shots are for dorks. SparkleBottom ass shots are where it’s at!”
“Want to kick that Halloween party up a notch?” asked Tingle. “The scariest enema is when it comes out with a lot of blood. Trust me. For a real scare, try our Spooktacular Ebola Enema Mix! Your guests will be horrified as a think, crimson liquid emerges from their bowels! Our Spooktacular Ebola Enema Mix even comes with lifelike clot chunks, and the used liquid is perfect for water balloons!”
Tingle suggests a variety of ways to integrate SparkleBottom’s new glitter enemas in Halloween festivities.
“The best Halloween prank ever is undoubtedly the flaming-bag-of-shit-on-the-front-porch gag,” said Tingle. “By flaming bag of shit, I mean a literal flaming bag of shit, not my Uncle Carl. Anyway, add our Flammable Gelatin Enema Mix to our Glitter Enema Mix and you can excrete a ready-to-ignite semi-solid mass that will leave your victim stomping a fiery coruscation of Halloween cheer! Then, when you’re done stomping, save it for Thanksgiving, because it also makes a fantastic gravy. Bedazzle your turkey’s abdominal cavity — and your own!”
“However, for the ultimate Halloween prank, try our Monster Mash Enema Mix,” said Tingle. “This one is not for the faint of heart. Simply mix it in to your usual enema medium — pudding, borscht, rat vomit, windshield wiper fluid, anything! — hold it for approximately 30 minutes, and re-enter the party. This enema mix will literally dissolve your insides so that when you relax, or maybe collapse, your entire digestive tract and most of your internal organs will come gushing out onto the floor! Can we say ‘spooky?’ You’ll be the life of the party for as long as you are able to maintain consciousness!”
Not all SparkleBottom enema mixes made it from the drawing board to shelves.
“We were excited about introducing our Halloween enema lineup with a ghost pepper enema mix, but no one survived the testing phase,” Tingle said. “Nor have any animals survived SparkleBottom’s SparklePets pet food, which were supposed to make pets’ bowel movements fabulous. I mean, more fabulous! We are expecting to have the kinks worked out in time for Christmas. And I know many will be disappointed to hear that the patent for our much-hyped Guantanamo Bidet, a novelty hands-free enema administration device, was purchased by the CIA before it even hit the marketing phase.”
SparkleBottom is rolling out its debut enemas with a series of celebrity endorsements.
“I had SparkleBottom for breakfast!” said Miley Cyrus.
“I had SparkleBottom for lunch!” said Lady Gaga.
“I had SparkleBottom for dinner!” said Bill Clinton.
Tingle said SparkleBottom has plans to release a line of enemas for lovers in February 2017.
“Fellow klismiphiliacs will rejoice when we release our lineup of Valentine’s Day enemas!” said Tingle. “I don’t want to ruin the surprise for when we unveil next year, but we’ve combined ass play, rectal hygiene, and fondue to create a romantic experience that will leave you feeling clean yet dirty at the same time.”
Tingle added that SparkleBottom also has plans for a collaboration with Andrew Lloyd Weber in rewriting “Jesus Christ Superstar” with a surprise ending.
At press time, Tingle had been rushed to a local emergency room to treat severe gastrointestinal distress after collapsing onstage with his punk band, Guantanamo Bidet.
Editor’s Note: This piece is satire. Guantanamo Bidet’s new album, “Klismiphiliac,” is now available on iTunes.
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