I Can’t Believe It’s Butter — a spin-off product of margarine brand I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter — has seen underwhelming sales since sales began earlier this year.
“We are capitalizing on the signature disbelief associated with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” said Unilever CEO Paul Polson.
The product debuted at the International Restaurant and Foodservice Show of New York where it was met with mixed reactions. New York Times reviewer Pete Wells, as anticipated, could not believe that the product is butter.
“This substance in no way resembles butter,” said Wells. “It has a grayish/greenish/brownish/yellowish color that resembles moldy, fermented snot. Rather than a smooth consistency, bits of food-grade gravel and broken chicken beaks combine for a … decidedly unbuttery texture. It smells like Roquefort cheese and farmer crotch. And yet somehow this inedible glop is actually butter. No shit.”
Attendees of the food expo were in unanimous disbelief that the product was butter, and many were convinced that it wasn’t even food of any kind.
“I’m supposed to believe this sludge is butter? I don’t think so,” said David Foghorn of Bootscoot, Georgia. “This looks more like jellyfish afterbirth that was left in a parking lot for a week. I’m not putting that in my mouth.”
“What is this, consumptive grandma phlegm?” asked Rebecca McMuffin of Tepid Lake, Idaho. “There’s a blood vessel sticking out of it. And that looks like a pube. Best case scenario, it’s an armpit hair.”
“While I Can’t Believe It’s Butter has not been the financial success we had hoped, it’s been a real trendsetter and has already made ripples in the market, “said Polson. “Bagel Bites is trying out their new Bagel Bits, which is just a bag of crumbs. Coca-Cola is testing Coke -100, which actually drains the body of roughly a hundred calories’ worth of energy. And Cocoa Pebbles has added real pebbles to its product — for added minerals.”
At press time, model and actor Fabio — who appeared in commercials for I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter — refused to represent the product after chipping a tooth.
Editor’s note: this piece is satire. I Can’t Believe It’s Butter is not a real product; however, it can be made at home by simply adding the debris left over from a car accident, used kitty litter, and the yield of a productive cough to your favorite brand of butter.
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