PETA and FDA launch joint Spay and Neuter your Neighbors programIn an effort to minimize the impact of overpopulation in Southern Utah and elsewhere, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in conjunction with the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced the launch of their “Spay and Neuter Your Neighbors” program earlier this week. Friends, family, coworkers, and strangers can bring each other to an approved clinic for sterilization for a subsidized fee of $15.

“Overpopulation is threatening our environment and way of life,” said PETA president and co-founder Ingrid Newkirk, “and if our ‘Spay and Neuter Your Neighbors’ program doesn’t work, we may have to begin a licensing program for hunters. It’ll be a necessary precaution to control human populations that are swelling out of control as well as prevent disease and protect.”

So far, the program has been warmly embraced by communities across the Southern Utah area.

“I had my entire classroom neutered and spayed,” said Barbara Snackintyre, an eighth-grade English teacher in St. George. “Their behavior has improved enough that I’ve stopped bringing my flask to school.”

“I had everyone on my street neutered and spayed,” said Brandon Pantsworthy. “One couple had six kids, which is just ridiculous, and we felt it was necessary to do something to prevent further out-of-control breeding before someone decides to do something desperate and stupid, like building a pipeline from Lake Powell.”

“I had myself neutered for only $15,” said Lance Hammerwell. “Way cheaper than a vasectomy — and I even got cosmetic fake balls, just like my hamster! We were both just sick to death of having balls.”

“I had myself spayed for only $15,” said Brecky Gashtraffic. “Now I don’t have to pay for birth control! My contribution to the environment is banging dudes without getting pregnant.”

“We got each other fixed,” said Jaden and Montana Joners.

“She’s not such a bitch anymore,” said Mr. Joners, “and I don’t constantly feel the need to throw silverware across the room.”

“And now when I kick him in the balls, we both just laugh,” said Mrs. Joners. “The ‘Spay and Neuter Your Neighbors’ program definitely saved our marriage.”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints released a statement in protest of the joint “Spay and Neuter Your Neighbors” program:

“We feel that the ‘Spay and Neuter Your Neighbors’ program is in direct violation of God’s will for human beings to breed at unsustainable rates, thereby causing worldwide suffering and exploitation of populations in other countries that are being systematically drained of resources. If God didn’t want people to breed like rabbits, He wouldn’t have made females such weak, sexy, and otherwise useless beings. The Church hereby condemns this program and instructs its members to continue to procreate at frenzied rates that make Catholics look prudish.”

At press time, the FDA found that roughly 75 percent of the American population is totally expendable anyway.

Editor’s note: This piece is satire. In truth, there have been no measures whatsoever taken to contain growth in an arid area that does not have the resources to support the population it already has.

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Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida. He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville's longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover's Cafe. When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online: indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter.