“Our family has always been a huge supporter of the arts here in southern Utah,” claimed Terrell Bland, a 42-year-old real estate agent. “So naturally, we wanted to support a local film festival. We’re a family of film buffs! We just saw ‘Finding Dory’ last week.”
“After our lobotomies — we did the kids too, all 14 of them, at the behest of our bishop — Disney movies are really all we want to see,” added Shindy Bland, a 39-year-old banking professional.
The Blands, who repeatedly and insistently referred to themselves as “huge supporters of the arts,” have season tickets to Tuacahn and Cedar City Children’s Musical Theater and were extremely excited about the prospect of seeing a documentary about the making of “Pete’s Dragon,” which was at no point advertised.
“Really, as a huge supporter of the arts in southern Utah, I’m a little shocked to see that there’s literally nothing by Disney. I mean, there’s something stupid about Jews or pit bulls or whatever, but how is that even art?”
The children were visibly agitated when they realized that they would not see a single talking, singing, or dancing animal that evening.
“Literally none of this is PIXAR,” complained Rance Bland, 14. “I can’t even tell what this movie is supposed to be about. There are like no songs at all. DOCUTAH sucks.”
“I hate this theater, mom!” whined Jebessica Bland, 12. “What kind of crappy theater doesn’t even have popcorn? I want to go home and watch ‘The Little Mermaid.’”
Now in its seventh season, DOCUTAH is a documentary film festival that has accepted over 1,400 film submissions from more than 70 plus countries and 36 U. S. states, not a single one of them from Disney.
“This is an outrage. As a huge supporter of the arts here in southern Utah, I hope that the Red Rock Film Festival will have enough taste to feature at least something by Disney,” Terrell Bland said. “And when we go to the Neu World Film Festival, I’d better see an animated tapdancing something or other or we’re telling the Chambers of Commerce to pull funding.”
At press time, the Blands had gone home to eat delivery pizza and watch “Frozen” for the millionth time.