Southern Utah family disappointed DOCUTAH offers nothing by DisneyTerrell and Shindy Bland of Santa Clara and their 14 children were disappointed last week after excitedly attending DOCUTAH only to discover that not one single offering was a Disney movie.

“Our family has always been a huge supporter of the arts here in southern Utah,” claimed Terrell Bland, a 42-year-old real estate agent. “So naturally, we wanted to support a local film festival. We’re a family of film buffs! We just saw ‘Finding Dory’ last week.”

“After our lobotomies — we did the kids too, all 14 of them, at the behest of our bishop — Disney movies are really all we want to see,” added Shindy Bland, a 39-year-old banking professional.

The Blands, who repeatedly and insistently referred to themselves as “huge supporters of the arts,” have season tickets to Tuacahn and Cedar City Children’s Musical Theater and were extremely excited about the prospect of seeing a documentary about the making of “Pete’s Dragon,” which was at no point advertised.

“Really, as a huge supporter of the arts in southern Utah, I’m a little shocked to see that there’s literally nothing by Disney. I mean, there’s something stupid about Jews or pit bulls or whatever, but how is that even art?”

The children were visibly agitated when they realized that they would not see a single talking, singing, or dancing animal that evening.

“Literally none of this is PIXAR,” complained Rance Bland, 14. “I can’t even tell what this movie is supposed to be about. There are like no songs at all. DOCUTAH sucks.”

“I hate this theater, mom!” whined Jebessica Bland, 12. “What kind of crappy theater doesn’t even have popcorn? I want to go home and watch ‘The Little Mermaid.’”

Now in its seventh season, DOCUTAH is a documentary film festival that has accepted over 1,400 film submissions from more than 70 plus countries and 36 U. S. states, not a single one of them from Disney.

“This is an outrage. As a huge supporter of the arts here in southern Utah, I hope that the Red Rock Film Festival will have enough taste to feature at least something by Disney,” Terrell Bland said. “And when we go to the Neu World Film Festival, I’d better see an animated tapdancing something or other or we’re telling the Chambers of Commerce to pull funding.”

At press time, the Blands had gone home to eat delivery pizza and watch “Frozen” for the millionth time.

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Widely regarded as the greatest writer of all time, copy editor and staff writer Jason Gottfried is a freelance editor, writer, multi-instrumental musician, and composer transplanted to Utah from Nashville by way of Gainesville, Florida.

He was formerly opinion editor of The Independent and wrote album reviews, opinion pieces, and satire news. Before that, he was editor of SOKY Happenings magazine and wrote a column, The Vociferous Vegan. He was also general manager of Nashville’s fabled The Wild Cow Vegetarian Restaurant and briefly co-owner of Gainesville’s longtime staple vegetarian restaurant, Book Lover’s Cafe.

When he is away from the computer, he plays between Colorado and California as a live and session musician. His albums with Sean McDonald as ambient electroacoustic duo Vesica Piscis are streaming online:

indolerecords.bandcamp.com/album/twin-yang
mmmsound.bandcamp.com/album/optical-mystic

He sexually identifies as an Apache AH-64 attack helicopter and his pronouns are “zap,” “quack,” and “boing.”

3 COMMENTS

  1. Cute, Jason. But totally selfishly, I wish you had listed the dates of the upcoming Festival. September 6 through 10. And – yes – no Disney. Does not mean there aren’t some warm and fuzzy, along with the quirky, the scary, the timely and the uplifting – but with actual reality not virtual reality or fantasy. Several great docs about musicians too. Don’t miss the live performance by Nathan East on awards night. Schedule’s on the Website. 🙂

  2. With Disney World in FL dealing with the impact of the Zika virus and major issues with ESPN’s future revenue stream, how could you be so callous? Piling on is not nice. Their great CEO wants to retire and his chisen successor is quiting. Wow Jason, kickem whike they’re down on the ground helpless. I guess corporations are people too!!!! Just ask the Supreme Court.

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