Utah authorities are in the midst of a desperate search-and-rescue mission that was launched last week. Search-and-rescue personnel are looking for a man or woman of average height with no tattoos, piercings, or distinguishing features of any kind.
According to sources who themselves had trouble remember the missing person’s name, Joe (or maybe Jody) Williams — or was it Williamson? — was last seen departing for a hiking trip to either Zion National Park or Bryce National Park last weekend, or maybe the weekend before … they didn’t remember.
The missing person is described as a bipedal hominid with opposable thumbs. He or she is said to have developed fundamental language skills and possesses advanced motor skills sufficient for operating basic machinery. He or she was allegedly wearing pants and a shirt.
According to friends of Mr. or Ms. Williams or Williamson, he or she may have been wearing a jacket.
“He was wearing a jacket,” said Bince Framples of Old New Brunswick, Idaho, who lives down the street from Williams. “A blue jacket. Or maybe it was red.”
“What? Why would he wear a jacket in summer, Bince?” interrupted Crud Stapler, another of Williams’ or Williamson’s neighbors. “That makes zero sense. Anyway, Jody’s a she, not a he.”
“No, I’m talking about Joe.”
“You mean Jody? Next door to Brian, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s Joey, not Jody.”
“Are we talking about the Mexican chick?”
“He’s not Mexican, he’s Cuban/Italian.”
“Okay, whatever, but I’m pretty sure her name is Jody Williams.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s Joey. Joey Williamson.”
“Williamson? That’s neither Cuban nor Italian.”
“Well, ‘Williamson’ isn’t even Hispanic. Then again, neither is ‘Williams.’”
“Are we even talking about the same person? Next door to Brian’s house?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you wearing a nacho hat?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I have some?”
“No.”
Anyone with information on the missing person’s whereabouts, clothing, name, gender, or really anything at all — even just to chat — should contact Utah Highway Patrol at (435) 896-6471. Anyone with information about a missing nacho hat should contact Crud Stapler at (435) 652-7777.
At press time, both the missing person and the nacho hat remain at large.
Editor’s note: This piece is satire. Please do not call the Utah Highway Patrol just to chat. They are surly as fuck. The second number is actually Dixie State University’s office of admissions. They have absolutely nothing to do and would be overjoyed if someone — anyone — called them.
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