Members of Westboro Baptist Church caused a stir last week when they congregated at the funeral of a local smoker bearing “Jesus Hates Fags” signs.
“We’re moving in a new direction,” said Winky “Winky” Winston, a Westboro Baptist spokesperson. “We’re trying to get away from the gay-hating stuff, not because we don’t hate gays — we still totally hate the shit out of gays — but because there’s just a whole beautiful world out there that God hates the shit out of. We’re trying to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ by hating other things now.”
“Plus, we already had the signs,” he added.
Despite the shift in focus, protesters were as vigorous as ever, chanting “Jesus hates fags,” “Fags burn in Hell,” “Save a baby, drown a fag,” and “Jesus loves me because I’m chewing gum.”
“It’s like Jesus told Moses in Exodus,” said Winston, “’Quit smoking or so help me YHWH I will hate the shit out of you so much your balls will literally just fall right off.’”
The LGBTQ community has reacted with mixed feelings.
“I’m just relieved that they still hate us,” said Sir Elton John.
For the moment, an uneasy alliance has been struck between Westboro Baptist Church and the American Cancer Society, the Association for Public Yelling, the Council for Hating The Shit Out Of Things, and the National Society for Misleading Signage.
At press time, protesters were trying to decide whether or not it would make sense to burn a cross made of tobacco.
Editor’s note: This article is satire. There is no evidence that Moses ever smoked tobacco, although Biblical stories do suggest heavy abuse of psychedelics.